this is so stupid. why arent i happy? i should be, at least i spoke to him, at least i had the courage to just ask him about it. i was in a really shitty mood today. yeah i laughed and smiled. but i still felt really shitty. just generally weighed down. nothings real, nothing has a point. but why? theres no reason for me to feel like this. i have great friends, a great family and a guy who i really like, maybe even love. surely the fact i'm not going out with him cant do anything to change how great everything else is? all the time i'm noticing things i'm really really grateful for, i have a fecking great life, why cant i bloody see it? i have everything... just not him. im such an ungrateful fuck. All that you wanted, and all that you have dont seem so much, for you to hold on to, for you to belong to. When it's hard to be yourself Its not to be someone else Now everythings so far away that you forgot where you are Hold on, hold on, hold on.' What day is it today? Monday. fuck. too long til the endo of the week. too long til thursday. just too long. What if this is all for nothing? what if people are right and he isnt even gonna ask me out, i'm just getting my hopes up for nothing. thats so likely, so me. and i hate it. what if the one thing that will make me really happy is never actually going to happen. what if he chooses someone else when he wants a gf. i really dont know what i would do. this is so pathetic. my entire entry has been about sam. if only he could see how much i think about him. well i'm gna wrap this entry up there. bye