Who can guess the theme of the entry? Why the fuck am I asking myself questions? I hate this. I dont want to feel like shit all day long, because i'm jealous of the people around me. Gemma seems to be growing further and further away. Theres obviously just something missing, something i cant provide for her. Yeah, we have our laughs, but its obvious she wants more. Maybe she's just getting bored of me. Maybe i'm not rebellious enough for her. Sometimes it seems like she's desperate to get me drunk. Or something. Maybe i'm just more fun when i'm not myself. Maybe i'm just not the sort of person she wants to be around. Maybe when i'm drunk, its not jsut me that forgets i'm supposed to be a christian. So now she has zoe. And even though i'm there on the train, and even though it's technically zoe who's being the tagalong. it still feels like its me. They have their own jokes, their own stories, their own lessons. I mean, theyre going on holiday together. And thats never gonna be dropped. I think, with them, i'm always gonna be the odd one out. And it shouldnt be that way. me and gemma are best friends. Or at least i thought so. I'm always going to be the one who 'is stupid enough to have a religion', who doesnt really want to get drunk alot, cos she knows its not right, who talks about things that they dont understand, who talks about people outside of schoo, because, heaven forbid, she has other friends. And zoe and raz have each other. And i'm left out when theyr around. No. Not just left out. I never wanted to end up being this stupid and paranoid, but i swear they all hate me, they all bitch about me whenever my backs turned, they all think i'm to competetive, or too bigheaded, or too hypocritical or too melodromatic, or too fucking emo. or something. Maybe its just my time to be chucked out of the group. maybe everyone has their use-by date, and mine has long gone. I wish i could be ok with Gemma n Max. I wish i could look at them without feeling like shit. I really wish i do. I dont even know whats wrong with it. I think i am jsut jealous. He chose her over me, adn i cant deal with that. but then, who doesnt. He doesnt deserve my whiney crap. He doesnt deserve anything bad. Fuck it, shut up, i dont fancy the guy. It would probably be easier if i did. Bloody hell, ever thought i'd hear myself say taht, wanting to like a boy who doesnt like me back. whats wrong with me? why would i choose that over enything? Well, at least then i'd know what was wrong. Maybe i'm jsut grossed out. no. thats not it. i dont care. I am jsut jealous. I'm jealous cos they like each other, i'm jealous cos they might love each other, i'm jealous cos he cares, i'm jealous cos they can hug, i'm jealous cos they can kiss, i'm jealous cos they can call each other baby and gorgeous, i'm jealous cos he's not blind and can see that she is gorgeoous, i'm jealous cos they'l spend time alone together, i'm jealous cos theyr close' i'm jealous that they can text each other any time. I'm jealous cos i dont see me ever having any of those things. jealousy gets in the way of life. Jealousy turns me into a moody shit. Jealousy makes me over exaggerate. Jealousy makes me cry. Jealousy makes me think that everything is about jealousy. jealousy sucks.