k so im not rly feeling shaken, but i am shakey n i dunno y. im not even cold. im so wierd. blahdiblah why is life being so...tricky. just b4 i begin id like 2 say that i no my life isnt as bad as sum ppls, im extremely well off in fact, so no comments about 'u think your life is bad...' 'stop complaining u hav it shit easy compared 2 me' ' stop bein so selfish u hav a gr8 life' cos i alredy no. why hav i ended up being so pointless. no1 wants 2 tel me anything, i cant help. wots the point? ppl dont even know wot my life is like, they think of me as always happy with a gd life. my mum was lecturing me about 'wot life is about' n how we cant always expect to enjoy things we hav 2 redefine enjoyment 2 satisfaction, so we r happy wen we do well @ something; and that shud b all we need 2 enjoy life cos we cant go thru life expecting 2 find everything fun. that didnt rly hav a point 2 it, twas just summat she sed....which sumhow made me cry :s. why am i the way i am? this whole diary is so selfish. nothing i hav sed is concerned about any1 els, its al about me. wots my problem? i thought my life would b easy. how did everything manage 2 fuck up. all at the same time. if any1 has ever used the phrase 'ur hole world falls apart' i think i understand that. not 2 some ppls extremeties, in fact only slightly, but still, whatever there was has managed 2 go wrong. but it wasnt gradual it all happened at once, just as one thing happened so did another, n when things started 2 get better other things got wors, n then everything was goin rong. god im so damn selfish. none of that was tru. im buildin everythin up 2 b summat it isnt. i do hav an easy life. i must do, otherwise ppl wud say they wer worried or id start doin/feeling things i dont atm. is it rite 2 say that ur world is messed up if ur frend is depressed n others r unhappy? i often wonder whether im just bein completely selfish n self centerd wen i say that my life is hard just cos they rnt happy. is that fair? shud i just b happy that my life isnt as bad as that or is it a legitimate argument 2 say that bcoz of them, seein what theyr goin thru, not bein abl 2 do anythin, that makes my life bad. i wish i could see these things more clearly. i dont no whether the way im feeling is fair, cos if it isnt then i wanna change it. i dnt wanna feel things that cud hurt sum1 els or make sum1 feel worse about anything. thats not fair, i cant just let the way i feel n the fact that 'u cant change it' b an excuse 4 other ppl bein upset. im still shaking. wel i dnt hav nething els i cansay rly, not that i can easily put into words yet xHUGx