All we do is spend our times thinking about how great falling in love will be. But, what happens after that? When you've found the one you chose for eternity. What happens to the butterflies? mum says they come in different ways now. *shrugs* I guess I'll take her word for it. hmmm. It worries me so bad that I"ll end up just like her. but, I see myself just like her already. and I can't just try to be better. because she is better. I mean, I'm so focused on her faults that I never really look on her goods. I love my mum. she's spunky and out-of-the-ordinary. She raised me to be my own person. To always be polite and to never rush. I guess I"m in no rush to get married and fall in love...or even like a boy. I mean, I'm enjoying life how it is now. not that I don't accept change. I try to grasp it. Sometimes I bother myself. well, acutally a lot of the time i do! hehe. I get excited when a boy talks to me. I'm excited for the dance this week. or is it the next? whatever. because someone I like might be there. I wish I could be young forever. I don't see how... well...I guess it's different. I'm just not ready. But, life doesnt wait till you're ready. Change is the only constant. oh, journal. My other journal is so jealous of you. Here I pour my thoughts on a site that will proabblay go down in a few years. My kids will never see this. never see those nicet hings that kayl's said. or the conversation that spence said he loved me. I don't want to forget it. but...I have a dissability. Sometimes my words get mixed up. I think too fast for my hands. so when I actually write on paper...it's all messed up. so, I try to teach myself to slow down. :) Tomorrow I get to see him. The on in my class. then maybe at lunch I'll sit by the other one and smile. Landen put his arm around me right when Spence came down the hall way. after spence lfet I pushed landen away and yelled "you jerk!" ahh. I love our friendship. he's a boy I can talk to. I'm feeling calm and quiet. pretty even. I pulled my hair in braids and pinned it up on the side of my head. I have purple eyeshadow on too. I want jerry to say yes. Monday I got to play with Bree. WE watched the cutest movie. He knew she would die. so...he took her place. "and that one is a heart. My heart. and It belongs to you." I cried. we cried. The taxi man said "you just have to love her. cherish her." And he did. he opened her up. yes, my life is better up to 'choice' (says spence) over chance. ISn't it neat that we have the abilities to control our lives into any why we want it? freedom! The wind is changing directions. Change is approaching. and I like it. I hope she finds her diamonds.