For the past few weeks, I've been making a conscious effort to stay away from drugs and people who are bad for me. It's good, but difficult and kind of lonely. It's really a sad moment when you realize that the people you loved most are now actually the ones driving you completely fucking insane. Anyways. So a few weeks ago, a couple of my friends got expelled for snorting coke at school. It was such a bad week. You'd think that this would knock some fucking sense into the heads of their dumb drug obsessed fuckhead friends; but no, they all continue to be total dumb shits. Yay. I've also noticed how much of an unnaturally jealous and possesive person I am. I saw a comment my boyfriend left on some girl's picture a few weeks before we started dating and he said she was beautiful. I was so pissed off. I don't know why, because I've obviously done shit like that before, but I have such a fucking inferiority complex that I just could not take the thought that he'd called some other chick beautiful. I'm so jealous. I've just realized it now. When I am with someone, I need to be their entire fucking world. God damn Vanities! I try so fucking hard to be 100% perfect: drop dead gorgeous, always lusting after that stupid to-die for body. I've wished that I could make every girl pale in comparison next to me. It drives me absolutely crazy. I think that's how the anorexia started. I went down to 88 pounds this summer. I was a disgusting, half-starved, tragic beauty. I think the song "Anorexic Beauty" by Pulp pretty much sums up those months: The girl of my nightmares Anorexic beauty Featherweight perfection Anorexic beauty Underweight Goddess So appealing in the worst of ways. God, I sound like such a fucking psychopath. God damn. I really think I'm totally off my rocker sometimes. Fuck!