I come here I have to change my age. And of course like every girl finds out one day, living with one's boyfriend isn't all it's cracked up to be. I'm so tired of life sometimes it's amazing. Other times I don't know what could be better. It seems like lately I'm really trying to convince myself that this is how I feel, when it's really the other way. Man, beer is crazy shit. I no longer feel like I am cool enough or good enough or poetic enough to write. I'm just no good anymore, at anything. I know my boyfriend's social security number. He doesn't. I think this is pretty descriptive of our relationship. He probably doesn't. My hair is an eternal mess, just like my brain beneath it. I want to set something on fire. Sometimes I look at one thing and think another. But usually I just look around, and think of what's around me, and that's all there is. To me, to it, to the world, to anything. My boyfriend is a musician. I love him for this, but it's rare to be reminded of. I think that in many ways I fail, at a lot of things. I'm not as good of a person as I like to think all the time, and I constantly hurt people, I think. I'm not a very good friend, although I want to be and I feel so strongly about it sometimes... and then other times feel nothing at all. But usually I'm somewhere in the middle, and it's all very existential. Simply put, I exist. I'm not sure how many people know this, nor do I care. I'm aware of it, some of the time anyway, and it's such a difficult thing to define. It's difficult to do. I don't know whether I do anything more than exist at this moment. I try to be responsible, I try to do what's right, and it doesn't ever really work out. Some parts do, but I don't feel at all fulfilled, and would rather have just never bothered and never had to deal with all the angst just to keep myself at a normal level. I want to have my moods elevated, heightened into something like happiness. I haven't felt more than a glimmer at a time lately, and I know that's really all you're supposed to get, but I feel that I should get so much more out of certain things... my relationship, my school, my job (actually I get a lot of happiness and satisfaction out of my job). It just seems that lately, and often, things don't seem to be going anywhere worthwhile. And it's things as a whole, but not things, as a whole, and not whole things. I think it's all really just a hole in my brain somewhere, and that's where my consciousness is, and the rest of me is somewhere dormant, sleeping, and waiting for the real action to happen.