despondence...

by daysleeper
Feeling: catatonic
Here's a bunch of ranty randomness... It just felt like it should be posted in here... I miss my sitdiary...
I can't take much more of her. I FUCKING KNOW I FUCKING KNOW I HATE YOU YOU FUCKING EVIL THING I hate myself for hating you. And I hate you more for making that happen. You are the most horrible person I've ever known. I love you. Don't you fucking get it? I have lived my whole life trying to impress you. Now I give up. I - GIVE - UP. So I try to live for my own happiness. All my happiness lies in you. All you do is beat me down. You call me worthless, you call me a lot of things. I never believed you. I will never believe you. I have friends who've believed their parents. Friends who've attempted suicide. Multiple times. I've never done that. I'm too good for you, and I won't die before you. I will live to see you die, and I will cry at your funeral. I will cry every day from then on. Because I will know you are in Hell. Because even I, the one you have so beaten down upon... Even you, I don't want to go to Hell. I have such an emotional battle to fight within myself, just trying not to hate you, or at least to love myself despite it. Don't you realize I can't fucking work when you do this? It's all I can do to not cry myself into illness.
You won't let me be me. You won't let me be depressed. You won't let me be.
TELL ME, O GREAT GOD OF HYPOCRITES, HOW SHALL I ESCAPE THY CHAINS? TELL ME, O DEMONESS OF TORTURE, WHEN WILL THINE EYES BE OPENED? TELL ME, O HATEFUL BITCH OF DOOM, WHY DO YOU THINK YOUR FAMILY IS SO FUCKED UP? IT IS YOU! O EVIL ONE! IT IS YOU, WHO HAS SO BROUGHT ABOUT OUR JOYLESS EXISTENCE! IT IS YOU WHO HAS SO MISTREATED US AS TO TURN US TO SOULLESS DEVILS! YOU, MY LORD, WHO HAS MURDERED THE DREAMS AND TATTERED THE SOULS OF MANY A GENERATION'S CHILDREN!
My heart screams in sorrow, fear, and pain. My soul knows not it's own depths. Only you can drive me to my death. Only I can willingly leave the car. The question remains: Shall I get out before, or after reaching said destination?
Grandma, this is for you... This is how you make me feel. Do you even care?
Read 2 comments
im so sorry, i know how this feels, my grandma is like that too, in fact, exactly like that, she was going ona bout how i SHOULD be put in a psycho ward where girls get raped and beaten. it made me feel like this. i wanted to slit my throat and vomit on myself. because im not as strong as you. though i wish i was. stay yourself. your wonderful. i love you.
[Anonymous]
I love your header picture.

Later.

[x]Dixie[x]