Still in that bipolar-I'm-way-too-fucking-happy-even-though-I'm-so-damn-sad kind of mood. I wonder when it will go away? Maybe when Joey gets a girlfriend before I ever get a boyfriend... He's going to ask Danielle on a date... I'm finally starting to cry again after all this time of happiness... And only now do I realize how much I missed it. And when I am happy again, I will realize that I missed that as well. I found my amulet. It's a necklace, and I prefer to call it that... But it is an amulet in it's nature. I feel safer with it on, though it seems to bind me to my sorrow... I went to the gym today and I had to wear a short sleeved shirt because my grandma threw away my undershirt... I had to put on some of her concealer over the scars on my arm... And it reminded me how truly pathetic I must be to have scars from where I could not even break the skin. For some reason, memory seems the theme of tonight... And strangely, I actually remember all the homework I have to do... I'm just not doing it. I opted for the harder route, spend time on the computer now, flunk out of school and get kicked out of the house later. I think maybe I should go live with my mom. Up where there are a lot of drugs and no internet... A nice challenge for me... The sad thing is, a lot of the stoners have much better grades than me. It's either because I'm a perfectionist, because I'm lazy, or because I'm too weak to overcome the temptation of instant gratification. I'm trying to learn, I'm trying. God, can you please, please help me? Now I'm really crying. Listening to Shinedown's "In Memory" now... I don't know why. I don't know anything anymore, except that I have a lot to get done and I have absolutely no idea of how to accomplish it. This turnaround isn't working. It was supposed to happen four months ago. Nothing is changing in me. Everyone and everything around me is changing, but my only changes are for the worse. I swear a lot now, even in front of my little cousins, and I hate myself for it. I have snuck out of the house, I shrug off schoolwork in favor of social interactions, I am perfectly open to trying drugs and such things... And still, I don't outwardly change. I sit here once again on my fat lazy ass in front of this computer screen from the moment I get home until the moment I am forced to go to bed. I fear I may never break the cycle. Now I have to go listen to that CD and pray. I hope God feels like getting an earful. Shit, I've still got about 3 hours of homework. I will never be well rested again. My soul hurts. Goodnight. ~ Liz. Or you could call me Beth. But right now, I feel so much like my alias - Angel Ofdark. I feel like an angel, fallen from grace, in a dark chamber, my wings tattered and covered in the silt of 1000 fiery deaths... The light shining into my darkness through a crack in the low ceiling is half blocked by clouds, clouds that grow ever darker as the sky blackens into the depths of night... And I cannot even see the moon...