I feel quite tired. My colors and pictures have gone away from this site... and probably forever. I don't have the computer I used to have anymore. Some of it might be on my laptop, but who knows? A lot of things are lost. My other sitdiary, whatever that was called... my friends, my closest family ties... I think in a lot of cases I sabotaged relationships myself, just to, perhaps, prove something to myself, that I'm unable or unstable or something. I worry that I've isolated myself, cut off everyone I cared about. Not necessarily as a cause or a symptom, but an effect of what I've been focusing on. My focus has been too narrow. I can see that now. No sense of purpose in anything. Not for the past several months. Even in my first quarter of college, when I had a hellish class with a shitty professor, I knew that I was there for a reason; I was doing this so that I could help people, and so that I could learn more about life and become a happy and fulfilled person, and so I could then turn this over to other people who sought the same ends. Now I'm just working to live and living to work. I need my paycheck and my school aid check just to cover the rent and gas money; the only reason I need gas money is so I can get to work and school. I miss Dana, and Sarah, and Faith and Mandy, and Morgan and Kim and Dannie (pre-drugs versions) and Isa (who I guess might miss me too?) and Jazz Choir and even my dear friend Trey, who may be one of the major players in my fear of using people's names (when I met him, he was MISTER M... and it's hard to go on a first-name basis now... but it's hard to call a good friend, a peer, and an equal "Mister"). The back of my throat tastes like stale garlic, which is an improvement. My boss told me I should be careful about my B.O. What else can I say? Things are lame and awkward. My boyfriend doesn't like my family because he is paranoid that if he ever interacts with him they'll for some reason find excuses not to like him. Now that is some ass-backwards logic... but we're all a little deranged around here.