I cut myself tonight... There was reason for it, but there really wasn't, seeing as I'm not a cutter, nor do I find any kind of appeal in it. But, hell, when you're depressed and no one (not even yourself) is willing to acknowledge it, all it takes is a night alone with stress and scissors to act out and call out for help. Then again. When you're alone, nobody can hear you crying. I think I'll pop in to the library tomorrow. If I let any of my friends read this, they would hurt me or something. That's why I post it here, because chances are that no one will read it. Maybe Joey will. Because he's such a stalker :p But yeah. By the way the "cut" on myself is about 1/8th of an inch long (less than 1/2 cm)... so it's not like it's something bad. Nor is it noticeable... I'm a pussy when it comes to cries for help. Heh. I have so many projects due on so many days. The one I'm not turning in tomorrow is going to drag down someone else's grade along with me.............................. Which, yeah, makes me a horrible person. But. I'm not really, so that's okay. ... At this point, I know for a fact that my personality has gone downhill. I've been a complete asshole to my family, which is rude even if they're being assholes to me. Besides, it goes against my entire belief system. You have to be kind to people, my conscience tells me (and she's a very logical woman). Fuck. But right when I'm being so awful, and losing track of all the good things in myself... I get high scores on an SAT type test. And I get into all-state jazz choir. And everything just seems so good and peachy for me. I don't deserve it, but at the same time is it what's keeping me alive? If so, it's disgusting... I mean, it's just pride - and an empty pride at that, vested in natural talents. Maybe it's a sign from God that my talents are important and he gave them to me for a reason... maybe I'm here for a reason. But that doesn't have to entail my failing of several classes... I need credit in those classes... I don't know what else I can say... God, I'm so messed up right now. Wow, and then I realize my ulterior motive using this as a cry for help is a really good one. And it's not even what I originally -intended- as an ulterior motive... at least outwardly. So, Mr. Hunter, what do you think of all this? Yeah, I know. You didn't read it. That's because I didn't send it to you. I told you I was a pussy with cries for help.