I probably spelled the title of this entry wrong, but thats so small compared to the reason I am writing this, so please excuse my lack of spelling knowledge. I posted a stupid questionaire on this site, you'll se that its the entry before this, just to see if there was anyone left out there. I suppose I was feeling lonely and vulnerable and I just wanted to know if anyone cared. Well, I got a response, not one I really wanted, but I suppose you get what you asked for. So now my question is, how is it that I have suceeded in driving away all my friends and getting shadows to hate me. I know that there are a few things in my past that I absolutely regret, but I also know that at the time I thought them the only course. Defending people I thought to be my friends, is not one of them though. No matter how some of the past drama turned out I will always defend those I believe to be loyal to me. I am often blinded by my need to think that everyone is good, and it has lead me to make some terrible judgement calls, but I did the best I could. I don't even blame the people who crucify me when I stand by them, we all do what we think is best. And, trust me when I say I am paying for all my mistakes. No matter what Becky said I should never had started a relationship with BJ. It was wrong in two differnt ways, one and probably the worst I broke my vows to Stephen and caused him immense pain. I will always hate myself for the way I treated him. And second I knew and often told people that BJ and Becky were doomed to always get back together, although that now seems beyond the realm of possiblty. I should never have meddled with someone who still held, no matter how small, a part of my best friends heart. I will always miss Becky, but somewhere deep deep I hold hope that one day I will speak with her again. It's a very distant hope, but its the only ounce of hope I have of once again seeing my lost 'sister' again. We went through so much together and she taught me what it was to love and now thats gone. And I take most of the responsiblity for it. But, after all this time, after my being in isolation I get a terrible comment from gods only knows who. And I must ask myself how I have gathered such hate to myself. Why after all this time someone would call me a self righteous bitch and then defend themselves for being a coward, maybe I shouldn't use that word, but hurt causes us to say stupid things, and not even reveal themselves. They let it slip that they had a diary here, but that only means they there are one of hundred or perhaps thousands of people. And then I ask myself, doesn't it have to be someone that I have meet personally to gather that much hate against me. I just don't know, and I want to. I want to know what my crimes were, I want to make up for it. I want to apologize if I can. But, I don't even know what I've done so all I can do is be confused by the shadows. It seems even the shadows carry blades.