Excuse me if I don't make much sense, today I just feel like writing everything and anything that comes to mind. I need to purge myself of all these wonderings, I need to free my mind, to make sense of its ramblings. So please excuse the incoherence that may devolpe. Friend with benifits. That seems to be the only relationship I can get out of men right now, and maybe thats not a bad thing. Especially considering how fragile I am. But you see thats the problem, I am frightened and breakable right now, so everytime that someone proves that they are not more than that it breaks something else inside of me. All those little things you would expect the one that you love to do for you, and when they don't, well it hurts. And then the one person who is willing to have a real relationship with you, oh yeah the locked up convict. I suppose I should talk to Silver, I mean really talk to him. Maybe it would help me sort out what we are. Thats a question that I have been asking Mythril for the last nine months, and you know I still haven't gotten an answer out of him. I want to ask that question and I want to have one of them say you are the woman I love. Well maybe not that exactly...but something more than oh you are Jessie, or you are a close friend. I don't want to be someone's close friend. Dammit I want someone to tell me that they love me...that they would do anything to make me happy. Would give up anything just to see me smile. But I can't ask for that, because I want them to offer without having to be asked. Oh the lofiest of dreams I have. I don't expect anything, but I dream of everything. I just want someone to tell me why I am good enough to fuck, but not good enough to love. I am tired of only being a good fuck....grrr....so many times i have been over this in my head and I haven't gotten any further on answering the question. Mythril refuses to acknoweldge his affection for me in public. He wouldn't even hold my hand aftering terrifing me by telling me how dangerous the Quarter was. And Silver all but ignores me at work. Good enough to fuck, but thats it. Are they all calling me a whore, is that all I am to you, a whore. I am not a fucking whore, I won't be a fucking whore, and if thats all that you want then leave me alone. Because I can't take it. And I won't take it anymore. Dammit...I am leaving now...