I must admit that these firsts are exactly good for my health. Yesterday I bought a pack of Cherry Dreams. In the past I have on some occasions smoked, but always someone else's cigarettes. And always in the company of friends. It's a social thing. But, yesterday I bought my first pack, and today I smoked my first alone cigarette. And I must say its just not as much fun without company so I probably won't do it again. Which means this pack will probably lasts months. Or until I go to Washinton and Stephen smokes them all. I've been really lonely lately. Just for someone to be there to hold me. Oh so confusing when you want someone steady to hold you and yet you want to run around kissing anything beautiful. I hunger for beauty right now. Daniel, does it worry you that I am once again hungering for beauty, something inside of me says its a dangerous thing. I've been weak and meloncholy the past week, and I'm not sure why except that I'm very thirsty. Raksha claims this is all doomed, and I don't know, maybe we have all been going at this wrong. Maybe we don't need stucture and rank and all this bearacracy. Maybe what we need is a promise that each of us will come if we are called. That no matter what we will drop everything and come to the call. And maybe we just need to get together and feel the warmth of family again. I don't know what the right decison is, I'm not some allknowing god, I'm just trying to find a way for us to have happiness. So tell me should I even try to get the pack together or should I set up a means that we can always stay in contact, a method where we can call if we need help. And the nearest will come to your aid. That's my new idea, tell me what you think.