( 7:35pm ) Bugged out on Melissa today online about her stupid douche bag friends harassing me and Matt. Found out Sarah might be pregnant cause she didn't use a fucking condom...dumbass!!! I was kinda upset during lunch when Matt and his friends were talking about smoking, drinking, ex-girlfriends and shit...but everything seemed fine, cuddling with him and all... Matt broke up with me like 5 hours ago...his mom found out about us being up in his room and yeah...so she's making him not see/talk to me anymore, making him switch lunches...and possibly sending him back to Louisiana. I cried for like 20 minutes and then walked to his house...gave him back the ring and left. Cried on the way home...I pass Stefano and Rocco...Stefano was like "hey Pammycakes" and I looked up in tears and he was like "what's wrong?" and I'm like "jus...just don't bother me right now" and I kept on walking. I completely broke down onto the floor and started crying histerically when I got home and went into my room. I just got back from Alicia's I was about to cry on her shoulder when I got to her house I had tears in my eyes...we walked up to McDonald's and on the way there Matt's friend Rob and another lil dude was with him kept bugging the shit out of me and Rob was just being an ass saying that I broke up with Matt so I walked away all upset about to cry again and Alicia made him apologize to me and he was just being annoying. Ron called me when I was at Alicia's, I told him about how Matt broke up with me and Ron was trying to get me to go back out with him but I said no...and he called me again when I was at McDonald's...and he's gonna call me again later on tonight. I hate it when guys promise that you will be together forever and then they break up with you like a few days later. I really thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with Matt and of course I always turn out to be wrong...I don't deserve to have anybody after all the shit I've done to hurt them. I'm not meant to be happy. This will sound dumb to say since I stopped believeing in God when I was 7 but it's like God gave me a perfect angel and just took him away from me. I lost everything that meant the world to me, because to me...Matt means everything. I gave up all my time from my friends and school work to be with him...cause only he could make my day. That's all I ever looked forward to was being in his arms. And now I'll never have that again. Reason why I never dated anyone from our school was if we were to ever break up I wouldn't have to see that person everyday of my life and it hurting more like a thousand knives stabbing me in the heart...but I decided to be with Matt cause I thought things would be different than the rest of my relationships...and it was...but I never thought it would end...especially so soon. On our 2 week anniversary. I have nothing to live for, nothing to look forward to...there's no meaning in life anymore. If I can't have him then fuck it...I'm gonna stay single for the rest of my life...that is if I make it that long. I'll either be dead by the end of the night or have marks on my wrists...no doubt about that. He was the only reason why I'm still here today...the day we met I was going to kill myself but something about him made me change my mind...I fell for him...I fell for him hard. This might sound selfish but now I wish I did get pregnant...just so I could have him forever :'( Everything somehow reminds me of him...it hurts so much...but I'll never let go...I'll never stop loving him. When I said I will love him always and forever...I meant it. All I see is his face everywhere and all I hear is his voice...it's permanently stuck in my head. I still feel like I did something wrong to cause this...if only I didn't say yes to go upstairs to his room then none of this would have happened. It's all my fault. All I ever wanted was you...and you only. I want you back so bad. Just want to be in your arms again...if I had one wish...my wish would be to have you back again and no one could ever get inbetween us. The hardest thing was walking away from you...I just wanted to run into your arms and never let go. Trying so hard not to cry...but you told me not to hold back. I will always be there for you no matter what...no matter how much it hurts, cause I know what it feels like to lose someone. I'll wait for you...even if I have to wait forever. I promised myself that when it was over, I'd laugh at the memories, but here I am, without a smile in sight. I promised myself that I would call you, just to see if you were okay, but here I am I can't even dial your number. I promised myself that when it was over, I would not shed a tear, but here I am shirt almost soaked. I promised myself I would let you go gracefully, but here I am hating myself for letting you leave. I promised myself that when it was over, I wouldn't look back, but here I am unable to look forward. I promised myself I would say "goodbye", but here I am still saying "I LOVE YOU" I WILL ALWAYS FOREVER LOVE YOU MATTHEW TRAHAN!!! I will forever be yours...no matter what your mom says. Two hearts as one...true love never dies...it's a proven fact.