( 10:45am ) I fucking give up. I tried everything... but Matt loves another girl according to his MySpace blog thing... so whatever. Ronnie came over this morning... what else is new I'm sure you know what happened if you truly know me... and people expect me to stop hooking up with him... the only way that's gonna happen is I'm with someone... someone that I love so much to not even bother with Ron. But from the looks of it he doesn't want to be with me. He thinks I'll cheat on him again... yes I know I made a mistake but there are some mistakes that I make that I do learn from and that's one of them... meaning I'm not gonna do that again... but he refuses to trust me again. I love Matt more than life itself. "Sometimes you need a second chance, because time wasn't ready for the first one." Last night was so fucked up it wasn't even funny. I decided to pay off the bet... made nude pics for Jack... and he had to go and be an asshole and show his friends and they were all making fun of me and talking shit so I'm no longer best friends with Jack anymore...and he also completely denied that he likes me to his friends after we had a convo how he wouldn't lie to his friends...psh yeah ok. FUCKING ASSHOLE!!! So I was crying all night because of that douche bag. Then Corey fucking IM'd me asking if I would sneak out to chill with him... that was probably one of the most stupidest questions he's ever asked me... then me and him got in a fight. My brother's fiance's mother who's really close to our family is dying from cancer so I'm like beyond depressed... and nobody seems to be helping me feel any better cause everyone just keeps starting shit with me and pissing me off more and more each day. Funny how they all seem to be from Brick... well except for Corey lol. Holy shit, Shaun called me out of fucking no where last night... damn thought he was dead or something lol... but he asked if I was single and that I should chill with him sometime during break at his apartment with him lol... he's probably looking to get some... since he does want to be "fuck buddies" after all... which is just NEVER going to happen... you'd think he would be smart about the situation... I never fucked him when we were going out so what makes him think I'll fuck him now that we're barely even talking to each other lol. I'm also failing 3 classes so that obviously doesn't help either. Whatever I guess I'm gonna go back to sleep and update later if anything else happens. UPDATE ( 6:20pm )... Yeah well Matt said it's not another girl and now he just wants to be "friends"... yet he takes me off his friends list on this stupid site. Fuck that he says that he cries everynight because of me... that's a bunch of fucking bullshit cause if I meant that much to him he would have given me a second chance... he never fucking loved me. How can you be friends with someone you love... how can you be friends with someone who used you for ass and doesn't give 2 shits how you feel? Like I don't cry everynight thinking about all this shit? I'm fucking crying right now! Matt is my entire world and it feels like he just ripped my heart out and ripped it into tiny little pieces and stomped on it over and over again. He told me he was gonna come back to me soon... he lied to me. The most painful thing in this world is to love someone who you can't have let alone he doesn't love you back. I swore to myself, I swore over so many of my loved ones graves that I would never hurt you again if you gave me a second chance... but you refuse. You refuse to trust me again... when now of all times I can be trusted. I love you so much, why can't you see that? I don't regret going out with you no matter how much it hurts now, cause every moment I spent with you I will treasure for the rest of my life. I will never give my heart or my body to another guy ever again :'( If one night a huge man climbs through your window and stuffs you in a bag, don't stress, I told Santa I wanted *yOu* for Christmas. I may be on the naughty list, but I'll be good to *yOu* Take me away... take me in your arms and tell me you love me and you'll never let me go. I won't ask for much this Christmas I won't even wish for snow I'm just gonna keep on waiting Underneath the mistletoe I won't make a list and send it To the North Pole for Saint Nick I won't even stay awake to Hear those magic reindeer click 'Cause I just want you here tonight Holding on to me so tight What more can I do Baby all I want for Christmas is *yOu* I LOVE YOU MATTHEW TRAHAN ALWAYS AND FOREVER!!! 9-17-04 is when my angel was sent to guide me. 9-23-04 is when my wishes and dreams came true. 12-24-04 is when my whole world crashed down around me. As for the rest of the shit that happened in the past month... I'll give you the update on that later.