Okay well anyway...on Sunday me and Matt started going back out...let's just say he umm threatened his mom with a knife lol. I was like so happy that day...beating his friends with sticks while they were all like smoking and shit...they came over same time my brother did so they started making huge flames in midair in my room and putting fucked up porno pictures as my background on my computer lol. Matt kept umm flashing Nick...that was hilarious when he was trying to get out of the closet lmao! Me and Matt had our "fun" lol...then we started beating each other up lol. Monday I walked to his house and had to go back home cause I wasn't allowed over...later on that night he broke up with me...he's going through alot cause his brother had a heart attack and isn't doing too well. And supposedly he's going back to Louisiana to finish off his Freshman year...I'm literally going to go insane if I can't see him for that long. Right now he has me blocked because of what Sarah said to him saying he broke up with me for stupid shit...Sarah didn't mean any of that she didn't know what exactly was going on. Matt basically judge me through my friends which really has me upset right now. Ron tried getting me to go back out with him last night when I was talking to him on the phone. I told him no though. Funny how he's capable of coming over on Saturday all of a sudden. Oh yeah it's Matt's 15th birthday today...HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! I gave him his ring today...seemed to fit him thank God. Corey was being a fucking douche bag today...he expects everyone to do favors for him but when we ask him for a favor he won't do it...he's getting his provisional license tomorrow and he won't drive me to school...how fucked up is that...after all the times I've been there for that boy and all the fucking back massages I did for him when I didn't want to and on top of that me fucking him ugh! I chilled with Sarah today that was interesting...some of the shit she does is I don't know how to explain it but it's pretty fucked up lol. But yeah anyway I'm really upset about this whole Matt thing...usually when someone is having a rough time in their life they want someone to be there to help them through shit and comfort them, but not him...he wants to be "away" from love...if he was with me now he would "kill us both." Yeah I can understand how he feels about what happened to his brother but I mean come on...after all the shit I've been through my whole life...yet I don't seem to have a problem handling a relationship. Everyone thinks what I've been through is nothing...but their all wrong. No one and I mean NO ONE will ever understand what I went through and still going through to this very day, nothing will ever make everything right again, nothing will ever make me forget... Half my family is dead, I was molested when I was 7...basically turned prude and was afraid of guys until I was like 14, now I'm considered as a slut to basically EVERYONE...moved to this fucked up neighborhood...half my friends are out of my life cause of them dieing, changing, moving. My dad fucked up my life by being such a fucking alcoholic douche bag...when my grandfather was still alive he scared like half my friends away...overprotective parents...2-3 years ago 1 of my really close friends died during surgery and no one fucking told me until what this year!?! I got raped over the summer...got beaten the shit out of by 1 of my ex-boyfriends, used for ass...my dad went to fucking rehab for alcohol...I was in a controlling relationship with Shaun and that sucked so bad...Jimmy G was an alcoholic and we would just try to kill ourselves all the time always breaking up and constantly fighting then he turned into a fucking druggie. I don't exist in school. Been through eating disorders, have insomnia, depression disorder...only God knows what the fuck else I have. People threaten to kill me...people always want to fight me or start shit with me. Always trying to kill myself. My family is completely falling apart and it sucks big balls! Disowned some of my family members. Almost got kicked out onto the streets cause of my family. There is so much more to my life I can't even fucking keep up with it anymore...I can't stand it...I don't want to deal with anymore shit. I wish I was never born that way I wouldn't have to go through all this bullshit and wouldn't have to feel all this pain and hatred, etc. God why couldn't that asshole just have killed me after raping me...I'm so emotionally unstable I don't know what the fuck I feel anymore. Someone just fucking shoot me already!!! Everyone is better off if I was dead...I'm just in everyone's way. Just a waste of space. A failure. A fuck up. A mistake. FUCK THE WORLD!!! R.I.P. to Brian Lowman, Becky, Andy, all 4 of my grandparents, Uncle Larry...and to all the animals too...I MISS YOU GUYS SO MUCH!!! My prayers are with Matt's younger brother...hope he feels better soon. And my cousin Kenny who is out in Iraq fighting the stupid war...FUCK BUSH!!! This past summer...I almost lost my sister Barbie from a heart attack...almost lost my Uncle Donny from a heart attack also, almost lost my neice Melissa in a car accident. Been plenty of times when I almost lost my parents and my brother and other sister. So see...there are plenty of people in my life that I have lost or almost lost. It's a difficult thing to go through. But I have never let my personal problems get in the way with my friendships or relationships...I guess everyone does things in their own way. As the days go on...I become more alone... So much for my happy ending. ( More explained in entry #130 ) I love *yOu* always and forever!!!