There has been so much shit going on... even I'm lost. Brian I'm sorry what I did to you... I know it was wrong but I can't change the past. I'm a fuck up and that has never yet changed. I tried to make you understand. Hell I will never understand myself. But don't ever think that you meant nothing to me cus that's not true. I fell for PJ again... why? Not sure exactly. My life has been falling apart more and more as each day goes by... Corey doesn't want to talk to me ever again... what did I do wrong? I don't know. But that's so fucked up... 10 years of friendship down the drain. I've done so much for that boy... I fucked up my relationships because of him. I've stuck up for his ass everytime someone wanted to kick his ass... stuck up for him whenever someone was talking shit about him. I thought friends were always there for each other but I guess I was wrong. I'm doing really shitty in school. I'm failing like 4 classes right now and have to repeat 2 of them next year. I just can't concentrate on anything anymore. I just gave up trying... gave up on life all together. I've been getting into so many fights with my friends lately it's so fucked up. But that part seems to be calming down a bit. Me and Alicia are chillen alot more lately since her and Brian broke up. But Megan doesn't seem to have time for anyone but Sarah lately... and me and Sarah haven't been getting along all that much lately either. I'm not sure what's going between me and Chelsea. I'm not friends with Jack anymore cus he's just an asshole. I'm cool with Ronnie again though, but not the rest of the Brick crew that's for sure. Brian hates me now so I'm not even gonna go there. But right now I would like to thank 4 of my really good friends that have put up with my shit lately and have always been there without giving up on me and that's Matt, Alicia, Zinab, and Jen. I love you guys so much!!! As usual me and my parents never get along... never will either. I can't stand them anymore. I really need to get a job, get a car and license and get the fuck out of here. Away from Toms River, away from all the drama. Sometimes I still think about killing myself... that won't change either... I wish my life was different. I've been going to 180 in Brick lately... that has changed my life so much it really has... it changed my outlook on life alot. I stopped believeing in God when I was 7... dropped out of CCD in 7th grade without making Confirmation... but the first day I went to 180... Pastor John made me realize that God is real and he is there for all of us. And it made me feel like a horrible person for ever doubting him and not believeing in him in the past 11 years. I lost alot of people that meant everything to me. My grandmother that named me died 2 months before I was even born. My other grandmother who I was REALLY close to died when I was 7... that's when it all hit me... coming home from Kindergarten and my mom telling me that my grandmother died hit me real hard and that's when I gave up on God. Since she died we had to move into her house and take care of my grandfather cus he had alseimers. That was a living hell... it was such a relief when he passed away. But also made life harder. Then 1 of my uncles died... then one of my really good friends died. He was still just a kid. I thought he moved away cus nobody told me what happened to him until 2 years ago. I just broke down and didn't want anything to do with life or anyone for that matter anymore. Then 4 people close to my family wound up dying also. I never went to any of the wakes or funerals... I just couldn't... it would tear me apart... but I feel so guilty not going... and I think about it everyday. I was molested by a close (older) friend when I was 7... I didn't tell anyone except my friends. Then I was raped this past summer. And guys wonder why it's so hard for me to trust them. I probably will never give any guy my full trust. I'm afraid to get hurt again. My family has fallin apart... I never see anybody from my family anymore. Part of my family doesn't even live in New Jersey. My dad is an alcoholic... he lost his license because of it... went to rehab for it and that shit didn't work. I've been abused emotionally and physically... so much emotionally that's why I have such a fucked up mind that no one can comprehend. Always thinking about and attempting suicide and homicide, eating disorders, clinically depressed... reasons why I went to a mental institution. Yeah, I know there are people out there that have had a worse life than me but I hate it when people tell me that I've had it easy... those are the kinda people that never experienced reality... the people that will NEVER understand because they aren't in my shoes. I've been mislead, used, played... those would be other reasons why I don't trust males. I don't exist in school... I'm an outcast, loser, unpopular, freak, ugly, bitch, slut, whore, etc... whatever they wanna call me. I've always been hated... I hate high school and I hate the people in it... cus they never give you the time of day to get to know you before they start talking shit. For some reason, people have an infatuation with pissing me off or making my life a living hell. People talking shit, fucking with my head or whatever. Like this kid online that IM's me claiming he knows me and won't tell/show me who he is unless if I flash him on cam... and he claims that I talk to him alot and that he loves me, etc. People really need to grow the fuck up and get a life and stop with the 2nd grade bullshit. If you're not gonna tell/show me who you are then don't bother talking to me. I hate stalkers! For all of you who are reading this... maybe this blog has made you understand why I say the things I say or why I make the decisions I make. Call me a bitch cus I speak my mind, I don't care. If you don't understand then I don't blame you. I wasn't meant to be understood. I'm a failure at life. All I ever wanted to be was normal.