What if I was supposed to be somebody else? What if I'm not who I set out to be in the beginning of my life? Am I a bunch of wasted particles of matter??? Ahhhh man, the things alcohol and sugar do to me. I like my brain like this. It's when I finally buckle down and ask my brain if I'm happy with the way my life is going. Or if I'm still happy with where I want to go in life. The latter, is perhaps way more confusing. For, I believe that I'm not going to do well with what I want to do. I guess I have hit a snag in my life this week. Starting on Monday, I went downhill. But that's only because I made a bad decision. I think my life is basesd on those things. Bad decisions. Darn it. I think the only reason I did it was because I was either A]Going to continue living life like I didn't like him, B]Never tell him and then wonder every day after about his reaction to it, or C]Tell him to just get it out. And well obviously I picked choice C. But now, it's just so difficult. Now I'm stuck wondering every day after if I hadn't told him, would we have become better friends. I believe we could have become better friends. Maybe we still could, but I don't know. It's so awkward. I didn't want it to be like this. Shucks. Well, I guess you win some, you lose some. Drugs. They're possibly the worst things out there. Man, I'm happy that I met certain people a while back to get me away from them. I must thank Luis for making me remember how retarded drugs are. And then I must thank the people that would be disappointed if I ever did drugs. Of course, I have done them, there has to be that one moment in everybody's life where they just let go of everything they've ever known, and just go do something insane. And well, that moment has come and has been long gone, which I am thankful for. I don't need drugs to get high. Now alcohol, that's a different story. Yes, I've never been drunk, and I definitely don't want to know how I act drunk...but alcohol every once in a while has to do the body some good. But drugs, they're bad. And I hate those people that you meet in life and they approve of you doing drugs. In fact, they even want to do those drugs with you. Are they like fucking stupid? Obviously. Quite frankly, I like to joke around too much. Make up different people. Alejandro. =] He's awesome. Made-up, created in my head. But he visits me at times like this. A wee bit of alcohol and a lot of sugar, he's here for me. For me to talk to outloud when no one is around. Today, I worked on a puzzle, five hundred pieces, Lord of the Rings, from 11:30 to 5:15. Yes, I completed it. It was a pretty sweet puzzle. I've come to realize that I'm vicious. A bad type of vicious. [Yes, there is a good type of vicious, by the name of Sid Vicious!] And yeah, I'm just a bitch sometimes. Even when I don't mean to be. But oh nosy people are so damn annoying. I want to do something right now. Like...go run around outside naked. Man, that'd be wonderful, almost as wonderful as bread and butter. May I now state that I'm a hungry one... You know those weird thoughts that come every now and again and you have no idea what they mean, you just continue on with your life?? Those are some weird thoughts. But what if you don't continue on with life. What if they remain RIGHT there in the very front of your frontal lobe of your brain??? Well, that sucks. That always sucks. I found out last night, that I can't write for shit. It's really sad. I mean last year, I was super, this year, I'm so screwed. I have decided to make a self-portrait of myself on Paint. Wooohoooo. =] Yeah, I'm that sweeeeeeet. We all need somebody to leaaaaaaaaaaaaan oooooooooooon. There's the simple fact that I can't get him out of my head. And then there's that simple fact that I could never do a self portrait because I get tooo distracted. And then comes the sad part, the hyperness has worn off, the sugar has worn off, I'm ready for my bed. Perhaps even ready for dream world. But alas, the phone has to ring. It's 1:30 in the morning, who in the world could it be??? Jeremy, Uncle Steve, or whoever the hell else. Now see, if it was one of my friends, I'd be killed. I know! I want to read. I really do. And I don't know what I want to read. I wanted to read last night but I went to bed at like 11:30 because there really wasn't much I could do. Sleep called me last night. Dreams. Hmmmm...I wish I could make something more of them. Of course I have all these dreams of The Liberal [thank you Brittany for the nickname!] and then like, I know none of them will ever come true. But why is he in my head so often, like besides the fact that I like him, is there something more? My hands are really dry. It's disgusting. They're drying out quicker than usual. I wish it was summer...I wish I was at Myrtle Beach with a gentle wind blowing my hair and I'm sitting in a beach chair right at the water's edge just watching the ever flowing of the waves. And the water is cool, not too warm, not too cold, just right. And I'm just sitting there staring out into a different world, watching the many wonders of life pass me by. The water gently licks my feet and the graceful beauty of a killer rises and falls...rises and falls. The white foam just exists to make the moment better. Yes, I wish I was at Myrtle Beach. Waking up early in the morning to walk the beach, find some place to sit, and watch the sun rise. The glorious sun rises above the water, casting a wonder about the ocean's surface. Is there something more down there that we haven't found yet? I miss the beach. I miss the warmth. [I miss the good looking guys that are at the beach.] And I miss the smell of salt in the air. Yeah, I can't wait to go "home". I can't stand when people are so blind to the truth. Like really, get a grip on life, nobody likes you all that much. Yes, I could have ended this on a happy ending, with Myrtle Beach, but I'm going to carry on. Drag it all out. I won't write like this for like a month or so. Being brutally honest is sometimes a really bad thing. But really. Some people need somebody to be brutally honest to them, or else they're going to be fed constant lies. Which I guess making up people and then lying when they ask if you're you. Of course you're not you! You're in the mindset of somebody else! And now, in the mindset of somebody else, there is a perfect reason to be brutally honest. It's 2 AM. Man, it's early. I must read! I must find Alejandro and make sure he gets home okay. Ah hah! He's my new made up character! It's great! He has "made" me this picture, and wrote something to me for V-Day. Hahahhahaha. I love suckers who fall for my bullshit. Anyways, now on to finding a book to read!