For some reason, I'm really really depressed right now. I don't know why. Maybe it's because my brain won't stop thinking. And the majority of which it thinks of is Jayson, and I haven't really hung out with him since the 24th. I did see him the night of the Vice Presidential Debate, He works for the Democratic party - er... Obama's campaign. And he didn't tell me he was coming up to LHU. And then when we saw each other, he barely spoke to me. =/ And he hasn't been on AIM in ages. I just... I don't know... I think I fell too hard, and now I'm getting like kicked in the arse for it. I know I've only known him for like ... less than two months. But, I really thought we could have like had something. It certainly seemed that way for him as well. Maybe he was just toying with my emotions? I can't really see that as being possible...but what if he was. And just played me for the fool I am? =[ I wish for just like once in my life I could be completely emotionally stable. I haven't been. I'm not well. And I don't even know what people see in me. I'm so screwed up mentally. Lately, I've been talking to this old fellow. I met him down in the PUB [not an actual pub] probably the second or third week into school. Every week I make the time to go and talk to him, either on Wednesday or Thursday. He's just a giant wealth of knowledge. And he can read me so well. He knows college is not the place for me. He knows that I want adventure. And that I want to travel. He knows that there is always a thought in the back of my head, just waiting for something big to happen, so I can finally do SOMETHING. He knows I want to break free from the confines of college. I thought I would like college. I really did. But the thing is, I don't. It puts such barriers on my life, that I wish never would have existed. Like, yes, I've made new friends that I would like to keep for ages and ages. I hate the majority of my classes. The only thing I actually like on campus is all the activites I'm in. And even then, it's like a strain. I don't know what I want to do anymore with my life, and the thought completely frightens me. Yes, I like political science a lot, I just can't see myself anymore as being one of those spotlight politicians. I can sort of see myself as a behind-the-scenes kinda person, ya'know? I just...need a break. I think I might finish this semester. And probably do next semester, and then go off and do something that I really need to do. I need to travel. It's like set into me that I would get hit by the "travel-bug" and supremely need to go places outside the United States. Just...give me an adventure. Give me freedom. Fuck. I'm in really bad shape. And there's nobody here on campus that I actually really trust... I just need change, a different type of atmosphere. I love Lock Haven, but... it's just not doing it for me anymore. =/ But I want to get college over with, ya'know? My brother never went to college [and now has a very very good job, imagine that.] and it feels like I have all the weight on my shoulders. I have to prove to our parents that they did raise one child that will succeed and make it through college. Sucks, that my only reason of actually doing this shit, was to make them happy. I remember this one time back in Senior year, my government teacher asked why we were going to college, and that was the answer I gave him. To make my parents happy. And if they only knew. If I had only been brave enough to tell them. I wouldn't be in this situation now. I'd be like off living in nature in like Ireland. Living off the land. Being who I really want to be. I'm a shitload of confusing stuff right now, I'm not sure if you can tell, but my thoughts are pretty bouncy. And I just don't like it. I would love to be able to get my thoughts all down and neatly organized. So I can make somewhat decent sense. Perhaps I just need to stop thinking about Jayson. You know, I could probably have had a decent relationship with my friend Andrew, but nooooo. I was [am] hooked on Jayson. And therefore, didn't return all of the flirtacious movements Andrew was sending me. It sort of makes me wonder if I had. ...But then I would have never had that night with Jayson. *sigh* I just need to let everything go. I soooo cannot wait until Thanksgiving vacation. Even though we're going to Virginia. =/ I don't mind that, I really don't. Because like, I don't want to go home either. Except like to see Mikey. He could probably help me out. =/ Ugh. Or Brandon could help me out. I just...ugh. I'm ready to let it all go. ... I'm just a mess...