there is a ton on my mind right now. or at least it seems that way. i was sitting in church while we sang, thinking about what nick said... how he believe so much in God and how happy it makes him... and i asked God to help me find Him and figure out my life, or at least find a way to start to believe in Him more... i don't even know. the man giving the sermon was telling a story of a servant who was taken before the king and the king was saying, "pay me your debts or i will have you killed" or something, and then the servant begged and pleaded and said "please, give me more time and i will pay you back everything." the king was touched and erased his debts and set him free. then the servant came across another servant that owed him some money and told him he had to pay him back. the other servant begged and pleaded and said, "please, give me more time and i will pay you back everything." but the first servant wouldn't allow it, and had him thrown in jail until he could pay him back. the king was angry about this and said to the first servant, "i showed you kindness and forgiveness and forgave you of your thousand-dollar debt, and you could not forgive even the littlest debt. i will have you hung with nails." i dont remember it perfectly, but that was the jist of it. the man giving the sermon said, "This is what God will do to you, if you can not learn to forgive unconditionally." we sang a song that said, "You know the depths of my heart but you love me the same." i couldn't help thinking it would be so great to fully put all of my belief into this, but it doesn't work for me. it doesn't come naturally like in all the books and the stories of people just breaking down and being filled with Jesus's love. i don't get that. maybe someday it will come. but with nick, he probably will wont some good little mormon girl and he'll dump me in a few months just so that it hurts even more... so i guess what i've started doing is pulling back a little more so i dont get as hurt. i just hope it works and doesnt completely cut me off from him. i dont even know.