i was being kind of a bitch to kate; i'm just not in a happy mood for some reason. i guess i'm just tired. like, not sleepy, more just physically tired. i'm not even sure why. i never understand me. i was going through the videos on my phone and saw the one nick made me before i left; and i got to see that favorite smile of mine where he looks like a little kid. that smile of total adoration. but now we hardly talk unless we're play fighting, real fighting, or i'm trying to not get my friends completely stolen by him. and then there's that other boy. who hardly texts me back and makes me go insane by letting me drift farther and farther away until i'm on the very brink of giving up, or have given up, and then reeling me back in. and what hurts worse is when i'm just thinking about random stuff and then all of a sudden memories of him pop up and take over my brain. like how he was my idea of a perfect guy? how when i was angry with him and would walk away, he would chase me or hold me closer. when he said "i love you more," he would press his lips to mine so i couldn't argue. when he looked at me, he had that look in his eyes like, "you are so beautiful and i can't believe you're mine." a kind of look i've never quite gotten before or since him. whenever i saw him he'd sweep me off the ground in a tight hug that seemed like, "i've missed you so much." when he kissed me he put just the right amount of pressure into it, he would hold me close, he would make it passionate but not sloppy. i just need to see him... or maybe not... i just need to spend the rest of my life with him? i wish..