Tuesday, April 05, 2005 8:49 PM - it's getting warm in here. //it's getting warm in here// my hot sunburned cheeks burn from the saltey tears i have shed. this came from nowhere,but somewhere a soft blush of roses, so red it's so warm in here and i am comfortable, indeed but i don't understand the chaos im fed this chaos, i do not need yes, i am suprised and a little bit flattered but in this mind of mine i am trying to be as good as them and i do not feel the least bit better and some i seriously understand and i know some don't mean to hurt but some want to hinder my dreams save face and say "i like your shirt". i have always felt, like the odd girl out she's looking me up and down always feeling inadequate and poor leaves me feeling left out she feels weird and wishes she could be as free as a bird she's holding back her thoughts she feels like she's never heard she doesnt mean to paste a facade over her hot sunburned face she's trusting and wants to make you happy but she cant break through this maze ---------------------------------------------- Tuesday, April 19, 2005 10:54 AM - I AM LEGAL!!!!! Current mood: happy happy joy joy haha. yep. the dreaded free age of 18. I dont feel a thing. yet. yesterday the the ROP class went to hungry gulch to fall and buck up trees. the first day being 18, i felled my FIRST tree which was about 300 ft tall and about 14 inches in diameter.. it was frikin AWESOME dude. watching it fall was the tightest part. i was the only one to bring my face cut home with me..( the part of the tree you cut out to make a pie cut) anyways.. we hiked this huge hill and i did so good.. im so proud of myself!!! i even carried a chainsaw on my shoulder part of the way! .. haha.. so yeah.. im getting buff( not like sick buff though thankgod).. and im running alot.. im so excited right now.. and i like this guy.. whos name i wont confess.....omg. his eyes.. i just get lost in them whenever he speaks and looks at me.. i dont know what to do. *screams* i like him so much.. the only thing is .. i dont think he would go for me because im 18 and he's 24. i dont even know if he's taken. i guess i need to find that out in some ........in some unobvious way. //-------------------------------------------- Sunday, April 24, 2005 1:51 PM - WOOOOOO Current mood: dehydrated so last night, james, jake, mikey, johnny, timmy and i went bowling. it was So HILARIOUS. johny took pictures so i hope i can post them soon.... we decided to leave and eat pizza, but both pizza places were closed.. so we settled for frozen burritos when we went to jakes house at 10:30 to watch Anchor Man. they told me if i was gonna be around them, i needed to watch it so i understood what they quoted all the time. im most likely going to be in My Action Hero. we all get along and i really think we would sound good together. friday night i jammed with james and we came up with some really good stuff.. stuff that i have written.. and stuff that was totally spontaneous. we recorded it so we wouldnt forget. now we all have to play together to see if it comes together. (see how god put that all together pearl??) everything is coming together soooooo BEAUTIFULLY. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------how many times can we say together?? bad news is im coming down with a uber bad head cold. i can feel my heart beat in my ears and im two steps ahead of my brain. //---------------------------------------------- 11:11 AM - Current mood: numerically inclined..what? so .....the guys i know are skeptical about me becoming a fire fighter. im not at ALL. really... i think this is all just apart of God's plan. I don't think i've been at this for over 4 months for nothing. i've acheived so much and have put so much time and effort into it that i can't just say "hey. okay. i wont do firefighting." i can't promise that i wont get a job and be in the field . but i can promise that if i am paying the bills with gig money.. i wont need a fire job. but if not.. i have to have a roof over my head. and i need to let the boys know that. i need to assure them that i am a dedicated person.. and wont burn them like they have been burned before. i want them to understand that i have alot of goals in life too. i want to do so many things. my only fear is that the music we make wont be broad. i know james and i can play soul, jazz and alternative.. i just hope that we all can think outside the box. i told jake that if we went on tour or were close to somthing huge, i would drop any job in a heart beat. and that's the truth. but in the mean time.. i will wait for the answer as to why i am doing what i am doing. God closes the door that no man can open.. and opens the door that no man can close. i have to go now. and wash my hair. i have a class to go to.