I'm sitting here...12.50...watching Emeril Live! haha...BAM!!...talking to some AIM-ers and sniffing paint fumes...i thoroughly enjoy randomly looking at the sitDiaries, but when i do it on random, they alwyas come back to the same ones...wEiRd...my friend and i are looking at some of these diaries and w0w...some people have real problems and i feel kinda bad that my life is cool like it is...it really does make me appreciate my life a little better...even though i HATE where i live... ...la la la... I've realized that i'm going to keep myself as a friend and that's about it...everyone else can screw themselves cause i can't stand being the way i am when i'm around certain people...i hate how i change subconsciously and it sucks cause i go against what i believe..i hate it when people are fake...it drives me insane...especially when they're not slick about it...if i were to be 2-faced, i'd make sure that the people don't find out!! ppl can be such damn morons...it may just be this sucky place where i live...the people here have NO brains...they're all related, so it's not like i can say anything to anyone cause it might be their cousin! thank God i'm from NY and aren't related to these people...also thank God it's the summer so i can go to the city whenever i please...when i visit it's in Queens (Bayside to be exact) and i look forward (i thrive) on it...i was supposed to go this wknd for Father's Day but i have to go to some gay camp thing... i have this thing when i'm on AIM when i'm mad, upset, sad, depressed, not normal, that i put dots after EVERY single message...i enjoy it because if people know me well enough, they can tell sumthings wrong..it really works..but i have this eensy problem with sucking at knowing why i feel bad...i always feel shitty, but i never know why...i'm sure it indirectly has to do with "certain people" and the way they NEVER say what i want to hear..my life sucks like that... do you ever get that? where u might as well have the conversation with yourself and you'll be a Hell of alot happier simply because you tell yourself what you want to hear...so lately i dont even care...i'm thinking about giving up on love all together, it might serve me well...especially when certain people don't even realize what they do to you every time they talk to you or DON'T talk to you...but i guess people are just too damn dense to figure things out....especially since i don't give any major hints (yeah RIGHT!)...which is what baffles me...i might as well just say it right out, but i still don't think anyone would understand..even my "best" friends don't understand me..i'd much rather talk to the computer in this diary than to anyone who claims to be my friend..it makes me feel like i'm getting SOMEWHERE...=) I need to go listen to some brandnew to calm myself... "Smashed into Pieces" Never again. I’ll slit my throat with the knife I pulled out of my spine. Maybe when you find out that I’m dead, You’ll realize what you did to me. And if my lungs still let me breathe, Would you be there for me? If I can make myself believe, I’ll give you back what you took away. No, I won’t let it go. Douse myself in gasoline. So don’t save me When you come into the fire. I’d rather die Than have to see your smile. You made me swear. I can’t sleep. Realize all these things that you took from me. Smash my heart into dust. Suffocate my mind. Tear at me from inside. Smash apart what you created. How can I ever stop you from crushing my soul? .:.It was yours to begin with.:. ^ This song rocks the cock ^ r0cking out of here ~jean m/