...you amaze me more than you could know...
Yesterday/today/lately in general I can't even stand how much I love you....I hate how close I am to you and I can't have you...ever...why does it always happen like that?...Why is it the one that I want doesn't even think of me as even close to that?...but why not?...honestly, what is there so wrong with me that I couldn't ever possibly be interesting to you?...It must be that I'm not a manly person? that has to be the reason...or else my personality just isn't what you like...but you like her? From what I know, her personality is pretty much non-existant..well in public at least...but isn't that when you should get to know a person?...she doesn't even smile on a regular basis...she blows you off constantly and you know she doesn't like you...I know that you shouldn't give up because if I said that, then I would have to give up on you, but why is she that important to you? Why is it that you are so head over heels for her? What makes her so different from every other person?
If you asked me, I could tell you a list of 20 thousand reasons why I can't live without you ...why is it that she messes you up so much? Shouldn't that be a hint that maybe it's time to move on...or if you can't move on, because I know I could never do that to you, then at least broaden your horizons...you say that it's not her looks, then what is it? It would be so nice to know what makes her so irresistible to you...not so I could change myself because that would be against everything I believe in, but so that I can see maybe where you are coming from and try to understand why you claim to be so into her...whenever we talk about it, you never have a concrete reason for anything involving her….you just kind of blow it off…it could be that you just don’t feel comfortable talking about it with me because who ever does? No one likes to talk to me about anything important….I guess I suck at listening…why is it that you can’t find a reason why you like her so much?...or if you have one (which you must), then what’s wrong with sharing that with me if I’m supposed to be a great friend of yours, I’m just like everyone else…
I do feel bad for you because you claim to get all screwed up when you’re with her…but it really can’t depend on that because when you’re not with her, you’re depressed, but then when you get what you want and go out with her and a group or whatever, you are even more depressed…it sucks how much our situations are similar and I can’t even begin to let you know how I relate to you even though
supposedly you know that I am in love with you….every time we talk about her and how much you are messed up because of her, I want to tell you that I feel the same way about you…once again, you supposedly know, then why put me through this?…Can’t you see that
what she’s doing to you, you’re doing to me? I’ve given up on wanting to be your friend just like everyone else is because there is no way in Hell it will ever happen….I always think I’m happy with how we are until something happens and I think that either I screwed up or you don’t really mean what you ever say…sometimes I think you are just being cruel…I have heard for a long time that you know that I like you, so then why do you put me in these situations? Why must we talk about some of the things we talk about when you know (or at least should guess) that it
kills me to hear about you and her….it
kills me to hear that you go out with all these people and you have so much fun or whatever…it
kills me when you don’t talk to me in public or don’t bother to even say hello after what I thought to have been a good day in our relationship (*cough*dance*cough*)…and that’s another thing…it may seem very petty to you, but that damn bus ride made me feel so wonderful…it may have been a very unimportant and mindless action, but that small conversation IN PERSON made me feel like we had a deeper connection and the sad thing is that you most likely didn’t think twice about it…
the dance made me think about me and you even more…I find that everything reminds me of you every day of my life….I went to college and everything they talked about I related to you…and I realized that I don’t know how I’m going to survive in college without you….and we’re just friends!…I truly hope that when we do go to college that maybe you will mature a little and who even knows maybe we’ll get further than we did in high school….it would kill me if we never talked again….no one understands what I feel for you at all…this isn’t some fly by night, puppy-love thing,
and this has never happened to me…for some reason, you have caught my eye…everything that I hate about boys, is in you and everything that I like in boys, you don’t have…I don’t understand myself sometimes…it’s funny because you always wonder why she doesn’t like you, but for the first time [e v e r] I saw you and how you act with her and no wonder!….you must get so worried or nervous or whatever because you act like an ass….I really wish I could tell you this in person…whenever you’re near me (for the most part), you’re just a normal person…I can only imagine how you act in public with her…we can have normal conversations and just be friends…yet
I see this and for some reason this has no effect on how you feel about me whatsoever…I’d wish that once we graduate or something happens that you can see how much I mean to you….at least I’d hope…because then the past year of my life has been a waste of tears and time…
I just can’t give up on you, no matter how much I know that you will never feel for me what I feel for you…not even close…how is it that the world works like that…I always see people who like each other…what are the odds that the person you like is going to like you back?…in my life it has never happened and I don’t know why my luck is so terrible….I wish for just one day that I could know what you were thinking when you are with me…it would be great to know the truth and not just what I want to hear…
you are the only person who has done this to me ever and I really don’t like it…it sucks when you don’t understand how much time and energy I put into just trying to keep you around…I wish that you would prove to me or tell me at least that you will always be there…like a true friend…that would be the greatest thing you could ever do for me….
.:.I love you so much it hurts.:.
r0cking out,
~jean m/
You must Love someone a lot
Heh..
Cheers