late bad damn

things are going well... we are getting along...perfectly... so happy... he's great... yay!!! ok maybe will write more when i get more time...

ok i can write all about him here... no one ever reads this anymore... mike is awesome... he's funny, listens, hott, is into tattoos and piercings, and a wonderful kisser :) but that's not all... he's a real person who has actually lived his life... not depending on anyone else for anything... and that's what i like the most (well cept for the kissing) lol i just need to convince him of that i think... i'll write more later... had almost forgotten i had this one... big kiss

i really did it right this time too... eh... we'll see what happens i'll fill in more later

alright wow it's been a while... still recovering from the accident... read my xanga... for more info... um, no updates really about anything that was on here... it's part of my past... and that's why it's in the past... i just have one more thing to say... and it's mean... but i hope that he has twins... this one is public... but the next won't be...

hey y'all not gonna update as much on this one... check out my xanga tho!!! www.xanga.com/txstarbaby luv ya lots and leave me comments lol

wow i am sooo very nervous... and a little worried... chad shouldve been here by now... which is the reason why i am so nervous to begin with... ahhh anyways... i'll write more later... he was gonna come over after work today... hmmmm... later

it snuck up on me y'all... and i am not completely clear on it all... here's the story... well a couple nights ago i met a boy... his name is Chad... he has completely swept me off the feet i thought i'd gotten knocked off of... and it's not just a rebound thing... i don't know what it is... we spoke on the phone for 5 and a half hours... when he could of just come over... instead we talked... about some deep shit too... it's just so new and i don't know what to think... he's great... and that SCARES me... isn't it too early for me to feel strongly in anyway about anybody... but a part of me feels almost at peace... it's awesome!!! even if i am not destined to be in love with chad... he's given my heart new hope... that the ability to heal is there... and i will heal... slowly but for sure completely... i told him things i'd never told any other human being before (not even joey) and i felt ok telling him those things... and i like how talking about him and with him makes me feel... wow i am creeped out... but the scary part is that he is too (wierdly attracted to me too i mean) like it feels like we've known each other for years and we've been i don't know dating for years... i like it... he's a godsend... not sure for what purpose just yet but a godsend for sure!!! Wow... i feel giddy almost nauseas just thinking that he's coming over for dinner after work tomorrow and having dinner... what's wrong with me y'all... have i completely lost it??? well gonna try to sleep now... he just went to sleep too... wow tho... really wow... ahhhhhhhhh what am i doing??? Not being scared!!! that's what...

wow being single isn't so bad i guess... lol big change huh??? i've been asked out 6 times by 6 different guys all for tonite... and no i don't mean some hormone-induced college boy... they have been from some pretty good potentials... lol... tell u more later...

well vodka is a weakness for me... but it gave me the balls to call kris... yes kris... hmmm... i'd forgotten how good he is to me... and to my self-esteem... he always knows what to do and what to say to make me smile... which i have needed... on another note... my old friend jeremy is back in my life... kinda... i mean we've been emailing back and forth now... hmmmm... he was always a cutie... for those wondering... NO i am not even close to being over Joey and over our situation by far... but i realize hey he doesn't want me so why should i keep pining over someone who isn't in to me anymore... why? because i still love him more than i thought i could after it all... but i am trying and trying oh so hard... i am not in any of these situations in order to hurt any of those wonderful guys... just trying to forget how horrible it feels to not be wanted by the only person that has ever made me feel whole and complete... i hate how it ended because i have no closure... i still feel like we are meant to be together... but whatever why did i have to fall in love??? why why why??? i knew i shouldn't have... but i am not gonna cry tonite... if i dont' then i will make it one whole week of not having gone to sleep from crying... hey it's been 24 days... but who's counting... other than me... i know that none of these boys will satisfy my need for love but i have to try anything to forget joey... like he forgot me...

i am gonna see them in concert!!! Sugarland!!! wow, tho... i miss my best friend... i am getting over the fact that we broke up... not really but i am a good pretender... i just miss talking to him... and worrying about him out loud... and loving him... ok done... for now...

hahaha i didn't think they'd have that one... i thought u weren't suppose to get cramps in my condition... but i am spotting too so i guess it's almost over again... eh i went to the LSF last nite... they are really nice people and i am gonna go again... i wrote joey a goodbye letter the other nite... i am not gonna mail it or talk to him again but knowing i have it is enough for me... my only problem is that right now the main guy in my life (or the one that is trying to be) shouldn't even be in my life... he's taken in the biggest way possible... and yeah even tho he SAYS he's getting divorced i don't buy it... and i told him that was fine when he IS divorced we can discuss anything more than friendship... that's sane right??? i mean i am not even ready to consider the fact that i am SUPPOSE to be dating other people... in my heart i am still taken... and that's not fair to someone else... i'm like damaged goods... eh i am over it... not really!!! have a good weekend guys and HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO EVIE!!! she's a big 21!!!

Ode to the Nice Girls This rant was written because a nice girl finally snapped. I've read the tribute to the nice guys; this is my response. This is my tribute to the nice girls. To the nice girls who are overlooked, who become friends and nothing more, who spend hours fixating upon their looks and their personalities and their actions because it must be they that are doing something wrong. This is for the girls who don't give it up on the first date, who don't want to play mind games, who provide a comforting hug and a supportive audience for a story they've heard a thousand times. This is for the girls who understand that they aren't perfect and that the guys they're interested in aren't either, for the girls who flirt and laugh and worry and obsess over the slightest glance, whisper, touch, because somehow they are able to keep alive that hope that maybe... maybe this time he'll have understood. This is an homage to the girls who laugh loud and often, who are comfortable in skirts and sweats and combat boots, who care more than they should for guys who don't deserve their attention. This is for those girls who have been in the trenches, who have watched other girls time and time again fake up and make up and fuck up the guys in their lives without saying a word. This is for the girls who have been there from the beginning and have heard the trite words of advice, from "there are plenty of fish in the sea," to "time heals all wounds." This is to honor those girls who know that guys are just as scared as they are, who know that they deserve better, who are seeking to find it. This is for the girls who have never been in love, but know that it's an experience that they don't want to miss out on. For the girls who have sought a night with friends and been greeted by a night of catcalling, rude comments and explicit invitations that they'd rather not have experienced. This is for the girls who have spent their weekends sitting on the sidelines of a beer pong tournament or a case race, or playing Florence Nightingale for a vomiting guy friend or a comatose crush, who have received a drunk phone call just before dawn from someone who doesn't care enough to invite them over but is still willing to pass out in their bed. This is for the girls who have left sad song lyrics in their away messages, who have tried to make someone understand through a subliminally appealing profile, who have time and time again dropped their male friend hint after hint after hint only to watch him chase after the first blonde girl in a skirt. This is for the girls who have been told that they're too good or too smart or too pretty, who have been given compliments as a way of breaking off a relationship, who have ever been told they are only wanted as a friend. This one's for the girls who you can take home to mom, but won't because it's easier to sleep with a whore than foster a relationship; this is for the girls who have been led on by words and kisses and touches, all of which were either only true for the moment, or never real to begin with. This is for the girls who have allowed a guy into their head and heart and bed, only to discover that he's just not ready, he's just not over her, he's just not looking to be tied down; this is for the girls who believe the excuses because it's easier to believe that it's not that they don't want you, it's that they don't want anyone. This is for the girls who have had their hearts broken and their hopes dashed by someone too cavalier to have cared in the first place; this is for the nights spent dissecting every word and syllable and inflection in his speech, for the nights when you've returned home alone, for the nights when you've seen from across the room him leaning a little too close, or standing a little too near, or talking a little too softly for the girl he's with to be a random hookup. This is for the girls who have endured party after party in his presence, finally having realized that it wasn't that he didn't want a relationship: it was that he didn't want you. I honor you for the night his dog died or his grandmother died or his little brother crashed his car and you held him, thinking that if you only comforted him just right, or said the right words, or rubbed his back in the right way then perhaps he'd realize what it was that he already had. This is for the night you realized that it would never happen, and the sunrise you saw the next morning after failing to sleep. This is for the "I really like you, so let's still be friends" comment after you read more into a situation than he ever intended; this is for never realizing that when you choose friends, you seldom choose those which make you cry yourself to sleep. This is for the hugs you've received from your female friends, for the nights they've reassured you that you are beautiful and intelligent and amazing and loyal and truly worthy of a great guy; this is for the despair you all felt as you sat in the aftermath of your tears, knowing that that night the only companionship you'd have was with a pillow and your teddy bear. This is for the girls who have been used and abused, who have endured what he was giving because at least he was giving something; this is for the stupidity of the nights we've believed that something was better than nothing, though his something was nothing we'd have ever wanted. This is for the girls who have been satisified with too little and who have learned never to expect anything more: for the girls who don't think that they deserve more, because they've been conditioned for so long to accept the scraps thrown to them by guys. This is what I don't understand. Men sit and question and whine that girls are only attracted to the mean guys, the guys who berate them and belittle them and don't appreciate them and don't want them; who use them for sex and think of little else than where their next conquest will be made. Men complain that they never meet nice girls, girls who are genuinely interested and compelling, who are intelligent and sweet and smart and beautiful; men despair that no good women want to share in their lives, that girls play mindgames, that girls love to keep them hanging. Yet, men, I ask you: were you to meet one of these genuinely interested, thrillingly compelling, interesting and intelligent and sweet and beautiful and smart girls, were you to give her your number and wait for her to call... and if you were to receive a call from her the next day and she, in her truthful, loyal, intelligent and straightforward nice girl fashion, were to tell you that she finds you intriguing and attractive and interesting and worth her time and perhaps material from which she could fashion a boyfriend, would you or would you not immediately call your friends to tell them of the "stalker chick" you'd met the night prior, who called you and wore her heart on her sleeve and told the truth? And would you, or would you not, refuse to make plans with her, speak with her, see her again, and once again return to the bar or club or party scene and search once more for this "nice girl" who you just cannot seem to find? Because therein lies the truth, guys: we nice girls are everywhere. But you're not looking for a nice girl. You're not looking for someone genuinely interested in your intermural basketball game, or your anatomy midterm grade, or that argument you keep having with your father; you're looking for a quick fix, a night when you can pretend to have a connection with another human being which is just as disposable as the condom you were using during it. So don't say you're on the lookout for nice girls, guys, when you pass us up on every step you take. Sometimes we go undercover; sometimes we go in disguise: sometimes when that girl in the low cut shirt or the too tight miniskirt won't answer your catcalls, sometimes you're looking at a nice girl in whore's clothing - - we might say we like the attention, we might blush and giggle and turn back to our friends, but we're all thinking the same thing: "This isn't me. Tomorrow morning, I'll be wearing a teeshirt and flannel shorts, I'll have slept alone and I'll be making my hungover best friend breakfast. See through the disguise. See me." You never do. Why? Because you only see the exterior, you only see the slutty girl who welcomes those advances. You don't want the nice girl.. so don't say you're looking for a relationship: relationships take time and energy and intent, three things we're willing to extend - - but in return, we're looking for compassion and loyalty and trust, three things you never seem willing to express. Maybe nice guys finish last, but in the race they're running they're chasing after the whores and the sluts and the easy-targets... the nice girls are waiting at the finish line with water and towels and a congradulatory hug (and yes, if she's a nice girl and she likes you, the sweatiness probably won't matter), hoping against hope that maybe you'll realize that they're the ones that you want at the end of that silly race. So maybe it won't last forever. Maybe some of those guys in that race will turn in their running shoes and make their way to the concession stand where we're waiting; however, until that happens, we still have each other, that silly race to watch, and all the chocolate we can eat (because what's a concession stand at a race without some chocolate?) By Jessica Leigh Griffith jlg421@psu.edu Copyright 2004-2005 by Jessica Leigh Griffith

now how the fuck am i supposed to give up on a love like that... he's wrong and i know he is... you don't just wake up one morning and discover you're not in love anymore!!!

this is the second one: "I love you! hey hunny, i just got off the phone with you. you are at some midnite rodeo and you had to go check on a friend of yours that you left with some guys. i wish i had the words to describe how your voice makes me feel. no matter what kind of day i've had you always bring a smile to my heart. your voice smoothes over all the anger and frustration that the day has brought me. your sweet words conjure up feelings of happiness and contentement that enpowers me to alieviate the next days misgivings. without your caring words of encouragement and wisdome, life would be an indescribable torment. you have given me somethign to strive for every day, a reason to wake up and take my next breath. my life would be empty if it weren't for you. as i write this i can hear the wind howling outside, the pouring rain beats relentlessly on my window, but i feel safe in my room. Jacky in you is where i seek my shelter from the torrential downpour of the daily grind, in you i find the peace and strength that maintains my sanity. your love pushes me to overcome even the most difficult tasks. baby i cannot thank you enough. you will never know what a positive impact you have made on my life. they say "home is where the heart is" so i know every night when i fall asleep i'm one day closer to bringing my home to me cause my heart is with you and im counting the seconds until i can hold you again. i am forever in your debt. thank you. ~ joey"

i know its torture to do this but i have to put them somewhere i won't lose them... these are the letters joey wrote me a couple months ago... see how much things change... "it's 2:00 now and i find myself, like always thinking of you. i spend most of the long night shift hours playing games, smoking and doing whatever to enjoy the down time. but for the first time in a while i feel lonely in a crowded room. i don't know why really i think mainly its cause a large part of my heart is with you. that large part that i swore to myself that i would NEVER let ANYONE touch again. i make it a point not to wear my heart on my sleeve and to never fall in love. i see love as a weakness. girls always bring a man down. they keep him from doing the things he wants to do and make him do things he doesn't want to and knows is wrong. most of all they cause so much pain deep in his heart when they're through with him. I have a confession to make. when we first started talking i said a lot of sweet things to you that i didn't really mean. the reason eludes me. when i realized that you really meant all the heart melting words that you said sent them deep into my soul. it scared me. nothing scares me. which served only to raise my fear. so for a good while behind your back i searched for a way to make it all stop. i looked for my reason to make a painless exit from our relationship. but you never gave me anything i could use. a few times i tried to use the long distance as a valid reason but i could never bring myself to tell you. i'm not one of those guys that lets my heart decide anything for me. i always just make my heart take a backseat to logic. in my eyes its never logical for me to love another human. every time i tried to tell you my heart stood up and screamed at me to shut up, it choked the words back down my throat. so as the days turned into weeks and into months i procrastinated to avoid internal conflict. i hoped that once you got to really know me you would move on to better things and when you were here i realized that you did love me for me and that you were genuine and everything i had looked for in a girl. i knew that i did love you. after u left i felt the hold in my heart ache cause i knew that you were the one that was meant to fill it. and as things always do life went back to normal. the short time we spent together on my leave proved to me that life in your absence is alot harder that i thought. i want to spend every moment i can with you. i want you to be there when i get home from work. i want to see your gorgeous eyes whe we talk and feel your sexy body pressed close to me when we sleep. i want to be able to race home from work for a nooner during lunch, i want to take you on a date whenever you want and by you the world and make you the happiest girl that ever lived. but yet again i force my heart to take a back seat to what's needed. i know you got things you gotta do and i'll just get into the way. so i'll be waiting right here for you until we can be together. i''m not going to pretend that every thing will go as planned and no matter what we will be together forever. i know that the dreaded day might come when we may have to go our separate ways. i know that it will rip my heart out but i am willing and love every second of our love and endure whatever might come. if it were to end ever you are worth everything to me. i'll go through Hell for you. what i'm trying to say is that no matter what happens you will always have all of my love and i will always be there for you. all you gotta do is ask me and i will exhaust heaven and earth to make you smile. you have changed my life for the better from "hello is ronnie there?" thank you soo much. ~ forever and sincerely yours~ Joey"

i went and spoke to my army recruiter today... i figure now there's nothing telling me i can't do it... he was really nice and answered all my questions... why did i wait for this??? yeah i can't think of a good answer either... at least not one that matters anymore... i'm excited a little... i know there are gonna be alot of yall that say it's a bad time to make a decision like this... but fcuk it... if i don't now then i never will... why not make a big decision like this now... i mean he made that one not me!!! i have to move on and i'm gonna do it MY way!!!

that's a good word... hollow... i tried apologizing for all the shit i told joey... in our last arguement... he said he appreciated it... but now he doesn't want us to be friends... why was it that when i wanted that he couldn't understand but now it suddenly is going to happen... anyways i am not going to tell him i think i am... i am just gonna deal... women have been doing it for years... why not me... i am getting good at the pretending tho... i can smile and laugh with the best of them... but i have to accept that joey is dead to me now... he chose it that way... u can't bring the dead back so why should i try with him... i can't promise this is the last entry that mentions him... but i can promise that i am not gonna call him again for chit chat like he said... i buried him tonite...

we were happy once together??? right??? how do we let things change so fast and so drastically... i know i know i know... obsessing... but i am not... this is the only place i talk about this anymore... no one wants to hear about it and they don't have to say it because i know... but it hasn't gotten better and i am tired of telling them that it has...

i told him i wasn't last nite... and he didn't believe me and wants me to go to the dr anyways... why is he being so difficult about this... any other guy would be relieved that he has no other obligation with me... why wont' he just let me go away... that's all i want to do is get away... from his life and him from mine... i need to... but i can't bring myself to throw away all of his pictures... this is not the way i planned to spend this semester at all... but i knew it was a possibility... i need to do what he said but it's too early... me and my big mouth shouldve just not mentioned it and he'd be gone...