i know its torture to do this but i have to put them somewhere i won't lose them... these are the letters joey wrote me a couple months ago... see how much things change... "it's 2:00 now and i find myself, like always thinking of you. i spend most of the long night shift hours playing games, smoking and doing whatever to enjoy the down time. but for the first time in a while i feel lonely in a crowded room. i don't know why really i think mainly its cause a large part of my heart is with you. that large part that i swore to myself that i would NEVER let ANYONE touch again. i make it a point not to wear my heart on my sleeve and to never fall in love. i see love as a weakness. girls always bring a man down. they keep him from doing the things he wants to do and make him do things he doesn't want to and knows is wrong. most of all they cause so much pain deep in his heart when they're through with him. I have a confession to make. when we first started talking i said a lot of sweet things to you that i didn't really mean. the reason eludes me. when i realized that you really meant all the heart melting words that you said sent them deep into my soul. it scared me. nothing scares me. which served only to raise my fear. so for a good while behind your back i searched for a way to make it all stop. i looked for my reason to make a painless exit from our relationship. but you never gave me anything i could use. a few times i tried to use the long distance as a valid reason but i could never bring myself to tell you. i'm not one of those guys that lets my heart decide anything for me. i always just make my heart take a backseat to logic. in my eyes its never logical for me to love another human. every time i tried to tell you my heart stood up and screamed at me to shut up, it choked the words back down my throat. so as the days turned into weeks and into months i procrastinated to avoid internal conflict. i hoped that once you got to really know me you would move on to better things and when you were here i realized that you did love me for me and that you were genuine and everything i had looked for in a girl. i knew that i did love you. after u left i felt the hold in my heart ache cause i knew that you were the one that was meant to fill it. and as things always do life went back to normal. the short time we spent together on my leave proved to me that life in your absence is alot harder that i thought. i want to spend every moment i can with you. i want you to be there when i get home from work. i want to see your gorgeous eyes whe we talk and feel your sexy body pressed close to me when we sleep. i want to be able to race home from work for a nooner during lunch, i want to take you on a date whenever you want and by you the world and make you the happiest girl that ever lived. but yet again i force my heart to take a back seat to what's needed. i know you got things you gotta do and i'll just get into the way. so i'll be waiting right here for you until we can be together. i''m not going to pretend that every thing will go as planned and no matter what we will be together forever. i know that the dreaded day might come when we may have to go our separate ways. i know that it will rip my heart out but i am willing and love every second of our love and endure whatever might come. if it were to end ever you are worth everything to me. i'll go through Hell for you. what i'm trying to say is that no matter what happens you will always have all of my love and i will always be there for you. all you gotta do is ask me and i will exhaust heaven and earth to make you smile. you have changed my life for the better from "hello is ronnie there?" thank you soo much. ~ forever and sincerely yours~ Joey"