*pulls up a chair and sits before a monitor's warm glow* It's 5:30 in the morning, a Saturday morning no less, and I was waiting to surprise my friends...but I'm back, gang..for keeps this time. *dusts off the computer desk* It has been a while, hasn't it? This was meant to be a surprise to a few people. Lol...alas, they're out living their lives. Lucky devils. I'm sitting here on 0 sleep in the last 8 days, think I'm getting sick, and about ready to go watch my dad fly out to Ohio for the next three weeks. The man gets a promotion and the next day he's being sent to train the new drivers. Heh...so for three weeks, I'm man of the house. Oh well, right? Just means I get to have more responsiblities. Lol...I don't mind though, good luck, Dad. Anyways, I wish I could offer you all some grand story about this summer. Really, I do. But at the moment, none present themselves. I've chickened out on my proclimation from last Saturday and I've watched alot of anime. All this summer has done for me is make me realize a few things. First, my list of friends wasn't as solid as I'd trusted or hoped for. I got into a fight about a month ago. Let me make it perfectly clear: I was defending my little brother. I wasn't fighting for the sake of fighting. This guy laid a hand on my brother and my big brother instincts kicked in and I struck back. Since then, it seems like one friend drops from my life on a daily basis. They'd seem to put the point across that they'd rather have let my brother get into the fight and me not defend him. I'm sorry, but screw that. You don't mess with family. Then, why is it that no one really cares to see past the fact that I'm an anime loving, occassional perverted, whipped, gaming, artist wannabe?! Wait...correction...three people can see past that. Hell, my own family doesn't even see it. Honestly, there's more to me than that. Why can't anyone see the writer? No one ever sees the philoshical soul that would rather question than follow blindly. What about the political side of me that wants to see changes made? Who out there knew that I have a strong appreciation for music, especially the blues and anything 80s? But what's the one thing that no one ever sees that really hurts me the most? No one ever sees the lonely heart hiding behind a stupid sketch book searching for the one person that makes him feel accepted... God...I'm tired of being judged because I'm huskier than other guys or because I have a love for action. Everyone thinks that, because it's me we're talking about, my heart's desire only spans for limited boundaries. No...I just want to find that one person that I'm comfortable with to spend time with. I've got so much to offer and give. No, I'm not talking about matertial means. I'm talking about my heart. *sigh* One of those ex-friend's I mentioned called me gay this summer because I was still single. He said that it was either that or I was living with too high of standards. You want to know what my "standards" are (god...that is so degrading calling them standards, but most people are too shallow to know them by anything else): 1.) When I am with her, I want to feel like nothing else in the world's going to ever matter; 2.) She's got to make me smile even if the world's been dealing me a bad hand all week; 3.)Talent...artistic women are much more intellectal and can hold a fabulous conversation; and finally 4.) I want to be able to feel proud of who I am yet would be willing to change what ever about me or give anything to make her happy (in other words, she shouldn't treat me like a dog/mutt and make me feel low). Are those too high of standards? No. Confessional time! I actually know a girl that falls above and beyond the aformentioned above passage. I refuse to call her a crush. Crushes are a term for grade schoolers. I genuinely care, like and respect this girl. But...I honestly want to ask her out. I really do. I think we'd have some really good times. We have so much in common that'd it be impossible not to. But I can't bring myself to ask her. I'm not afraid to be heartbroken, far from it. I afraid...I'm afraid that when she says I'm sorry, Tim, I like you...but only for a friend....that I won't smile the same. She makes me feel so wonderful and she's one of the only people to make me smile, I can't imagine not being able to smile when I talk to her or someone mentions her. Then again...I swore last week that I'd risk anything to try...and my window of oppurtunity to ask closes soon...what should I honstly do? *slaps face* That's enough venting. I've said an earful for today, plus I've got to be getting to the airport. I'll update later if anything worth updating occurs. Hopefully I'll get to see or talk to some of you before Wensday. We've got some catching up to do, right? Well, until our paths cross again...