*Sits, staring at a blank monitor for a good twenty minutes in silence* You know...silence really is the best answer to lives problems. I mean, at least for my problems. Why couldn’t I just bite my tongue and nod my head? *Thinks for a few moments, shaking head* I swear, to what ever fucking power runs this messed up thing we call an existence, I never wanted to make her mad at me. I just wanted to be honest with her. After past conversations and other certain moments, I just had to say what was eating away at my mind. I mean, friends are supposed to be able to tell one another things and be able to talk things through without being pissed at one another and threatening to stay out of your life. Its just that this isn’t like me. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES MISTAKE THIS FOR A PITY COMMENT!!! It’s just that usually no matter what is said or done....I don’t voice what I feel. Yeah, I’ll act antisocial or angsty, but usually my favorite empath will realize it and talk me out of it. But for once in my life, I needed to say what I felt. I don’t know if it’s because I really like Kaitlin, and just hated having that thought any where in my mind, or if I’m just finally showing that backbone everyone keeps wishing I’d grow. I never told her that anyone told me I was being used. I told her that I talked to someone and that that was the way I was feeling. As a matter of fact, the words “being used” never crossed my lips...er...messenger screen. My exact words were: eroix stampede: Then here, let me be the first to put that doubt to rest real, real fast. I am not going because I cannot be for certain that you're wanting be to go because we're friends. Probably not the most subtle way of saying it, but it seemed a lot better than using the actual “u”-word. She wanted to know why I wasn’t going. I had to tell her something and it was going to be the truth, god damn it! Anyone I truly talk to can vouch for me on this: I was excited to go. To get asked to do something by someone you like, no matter how insignificant or meaningful is something. I was looking forward to this trip since I said yes. I had everything ready to go. Doesn’t it prove something that something was strong enough to make my change all my plans for a great weekend and question one of my friends?! And Kaitlin will sure as hell find one way or another to read this, I’ll answer your demand and explain my final comment: vladislausIKURA: and tim, you're a great guy, but it's shit like this that makes me angry for a long time, and I'm sorry that you decided not to go, and I'm not going to change your mind, but I would have appreciated it if you told me your doubts, so that I could have at least had another plan set up before last minute eroix stampede: Be angry for as long as you want, Kaitlin, cause I am too. That wasn’t a comment of self-loathing and/or self-pity! I knew when I planned on telling you that you’d be mad at me. Sure, I’d hoped that you’d be a bit more understanding, but I still knew you’d be pissed. And I honestly understand and respect that anger. But let me explain this very simply: I AM NOT A LIAR!!!! Yeah, you’re right, I care enough to do things to protect certain people in my life. But I will go about it in any means than to lie for them. Not once have any of my friends, let alone one that I would do just about anything for, accused me of something I despise with every fiber of my soul! But as if lying weren’t enough to accuse me of, you go off and tell me you don’t trust me. You...don’t trust...me? ME OF ALL PEOPLE!?! Didn’t I come over when ever you asked for me? Didn’t I drop everything I was doing at a mere moment’s notice to take you out to dinner? Didn’t I sit here without once getting mad or storm off when you felt the need to include me in the conversation between you and some guy you obviously still care for only to admit not 5 minutes later that you knew the way I felt towards you?! You want to know what I meant by “cause I am too”, right? Well, there you go, gorgeous!! *Walks outside for a moment to literally cool off* *Comes back to the computer’s colder glow* Self-loathing...self-pity...angst...antisocial...I honestly thought I was getting out of that territory. Sure, it caused me to talk less, but I thought that was understandable? I spent an entire week trying to make myself over so I’d look my utmost best. I was walking/running almost 4 hours a day. I was thinking about dying my hair. Hell, I’ve put up with these fucking contacts giving me the worst migraines I’ve had since I was in elementary school. But those are just outwards changes. With the exception of two pieces in the last 4 months, all my “art” work has been soft...almost cute. They say that you can tell what an artist is feeling by their work. Jess...Ash...even Paula...you three have noticed it, I’m sure. Hell, even Sprite has commented on it enough that she actually got me started in doing art trades on Deviant Art. I can never thank her enough for that. Really, I can’t, Paula. *Yawns and stretches* There’s no point in rambling about this anymore. I’ve pissed her off and the damage is done. The girl I like hates me yet I don’t feel any different toward her. Its really just time to sit back and just hope the fire doesn’t spread. Beyond that long rant/explanation/ext, nothing as happened. I finally got to talk to Bell Sunday, but that was truly it. I’m just glad to be talking to her. I think I’m getting a cold/flu. I was in bed for most of the morning, just staring at the ceiling. I honestly didn’t want to get up and I kinda wish I didn’t...lol. I walked around the mall for like an hour before they officially “opened”...you know, that morning hour that only old people go in so they can walk. ^^ It was nice and quiet, plus I got to see what it’d be like to be in the mall without a thousand mindless clones walking about. And...I never realized this...but Eastland Mall is almost nothing but generic knock off clothes of the stores to either side. I mean, with the exception of Hot Topic and Spencer’s Gifts...they’re almost all the same. I really miss K*B Toys and The Disney Store (lol...it was across from Hot Topic...too funny). *Thinks* Well, aside from the biggest case of writer’s block and artist block in history of muses, I’m all out of reporting. So, I guess I’m darting, gang. If you really need me, you know the number I hope. Later, guys and gurls!