Before we get to the main portion of this entry: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JESSICA!!! I read how you didn’t really see how today was that big of a deal. Hey, I was right there with you, kirei. Honestly, though, just enjoy this day. It’s your day and, as I’ve said in a couple other places, you deserve your heart’s every whispered wish and desire. And you better get it too. Otherwise...me and my pal, Mr. Baseballbat, are going to visit the birthday fairies... ^^u...Anywho...I really couldn’t decide what I wanted to get you for your birthday. I mean, you like so much, I guess I could have gotten you just about anything (god damn Hot Topic people...I’m sooo putting them on my hit list) and you’d like it. But, hey, it’s me we’re talking about here. So, after thinking it through, I thought that one of these weekends when you aren’t too busy I’d take you out for a day that’s just for you. What ever you want to do, we’ll do. ^^ *hugs* Happy birthday, Bell. All silliness aside, you’re a terrific girl and an even greater friend. I mean it. Now back to your regularly scheduled diary entry already in progress...: Diary (or Journal if you have to act all “tough”). It in itself is meant to be a means in which one may write out their thoughts, feelings, believes or what not without fear of reticule or backlash. That is why most diary/journal entries are private. Then there are some that could care less about what others think, and post willingly to allow the full and known public to know their deepest thoughts. These are meant to as a small means to relieve stress, not to cause stress. In the same breathe, they are meant to be enjoyable and uplifting...though sometimes our entries can be a bit tear jerking depending on one’s subject matter. Being able to feel like one can honestly share what he/she feels with others, especially with one’s closest friends. It’s a sign that one feels extremely comfortable with them and that he/she has absolutely no fear...that they should hide or anything like that. That should mean something to anyone with character, with morals. That being said...this is my last entry...for a while at least. I know I made a promise to my designer that I’d update on a regular basis, and I’m apologizing far in advance to her for that. But everything I type in the four walls of this page is always taken out of context. The very meaning of what I’m trying to say is twisted and construed to indicate me as a “Emo”. And no matter what I say, or how well I defend myself, I’m always left at the end of the night fighting to defend my word. I was told tonight that I am a “sweet and wonderful guy”, that there is a rare kindness in my heart that I should never try to lose. While most guys are fighting to keep a false bad boy persona up, I’m staying genuine and honest. I’m just a big, old teddy bear. That really made me feel great...for about ten minutes. ... ... It’s taken me the longest time to be absolutely happy with who I am. Does the fact that I can tell you ever piece of anime Steven Bloom has worked on make me a huge otaku? Damn straight and proud of it. What about being able to actually keep up with most of Larc-En Ciel’s songs in Japanese? Fuck yeah. That’s who I am, god damn it. I’m a fucking manga loving, anime watching, Pocky chomping artist. I’m not some depressed Emo striving for attention. Yeah, sure, I’ve gotten upset and sadden by recent events. It’s only natural. Human equals emotion, people. But what pisses me off to the high fucking heavens is that I’ve always remained this “teddy bear”. I’m always the nice guy. What is asked of me be done. All I ask for in return in the chance to be with my friends, some quiet time to draw/right, and to be allowed to watch my anime in Japanese without someone bitching to put it on the English track or subtitle it. I work my ass off to try and please everyone around me, to be the good little toy soldier that never breaks (though I do every now and then). And what do I get for it in return? Friends that hate me so much that they won’t even talk to me, let alone look in my general direction. People that believe they can just call me up and use me and my jeep as though it is their personal taxi cab. Constant headaches. Less and less time to actually have to myself (hence the semi-self imposed exile) and with those I actually want to be around. And restless night sleep where I don’t even get the pleasure of being forcefully removed from a dream in which I’ll never want to leave. Speaking of dreams, I’ve been having this fantastic one as of late that has gotten me smiling more and more. It’s a re-occurring dream, by the way. I’ve wanted to be an artist for a while now, it’s been my “dream”. But I’ve yet to ever have an actual dream about it. Maybe I’ll explain it sooner or later. Anyways, I want to set the record straight on a few items before I wrap this entry up: ~ I.AM.NOT.AN.EMO.!!! I am not currently, nor have I ever been, remotely upset/depressed about anything that would put me that close to that horrid word. ~ While it is true that I like someone, no matter how hopeless the matter may be, I don’t believe the word love should be so easily tossed around. There is no such thing as half-in-love. It’s either all or nothing, and a two way street at that. Love must be felt by both people, not just one. ~ Yes, I’m an anime fan, but there is more to me than just that. Honestly. ~ Yeah, I don’t like the Harry Potter books. So what? Not everyone is going to like the same thing. At least I enjoy the movies. That’s something isn’t it? ~ Finally, it must just be me, but I really feel as though I’ve grown a lot since many of you first met me. It might just be me, but who knows. I am not that same idiotic man-fool senior I once was. *sighs* That’s it, folks. I want to leave you all with some witty line and an honorable farewell, maybe some like Live long and Prosper but I’ve already laid claim in my otakuness...do I really need to point out I was an even bigger Trekkie and still am...?! I guess it’s just...you’ve all been kind to me here on sitdiary, but I think it’s time for ol` Senji-ku to give everyone a break from his personal thoughts and feelings...be it my best friend Bell or just random passer by who thought I said something good/cool. Later.... See you in space, Cowboy...