argh. i want things again... and im ashamed of myself for wanting it. and im even more ashamed of the fact that im not actually ashamed of wanting it. i want it, and i dont feel at all bad about that. and people keep talking about it, which makes me want it even more...and i could have it so easily, and no one would ever know...i dont really know whats keeping me from it actually... anyway *snaps out of it* sorry about that... old habits die hard :/ so whats going on? im bored. and sad-ish. but yeah, mostly bored. and kind of paranoid. there are a couple things happening in the next few weeks that are going to confuse me very much, and also most likely depress me extremely. oh yeah, and im probably going to end up hurting a couple of my friends too. and yet...i dont actually care. i assume thats bad? i dont know, its a really strange feeling though. its like,one side of my mind is like "this and this are possibly going to happen, and if you dont stop it, you're going to end up severely depressed, and you will probably end up hurting a few of your friends, one of them badly." and the other part of my mind is just like "i want that to happen, i dont care if it does mean me being depressed and people getting hurt, because i want that, and what i want is what i get dammit." and yeah, that sides kind of winning. but at the same time, i know i should care, because i mean, im going to be really depressed and im going to hurt people. but i dont... weird :/ anyway... today was actually pretty good. DUDE, it was so awesome! today at lunch, me and barry went over to ali to say hi, and she was sitting with her friend, and when we walked over, she turned to her friend and was like "this is barry and brandi" and i was like *GASP* OMG SHE KNOWS MY NAME!!!!!!! that made me feel special...then we started talking about concerts and i brought up the HIM concert and she was like "DAMN ville valo is HOT." and i was like "mmm i know" so then we talked :) i finally got the guts to talk to her by myself! lol (im shy around pretty girls...took me like a month to be able to start a conversation with kim on my own...lol) so for the past couple days i'd just kind of like, jump into group convos and talk to her indirectly...but yeah, today we talked :D yeah, its sad, i know...i promise im not obsessed, lol. i just think she'd be cool to be friends with, i mean, shes straight and has a boyfriend anyway...