Feeling: desperate Warning: emo-ness i wouldn't advide reading this unless you have a high tolorance for emo referrances and/or think you might be involved in causing said problems. that being said... i have a problem... lately things have been...ive been...well... alright. i have a confession to make. im not okay. ive been hurting so much lately... so much so that i dont care what happens anymore. i dont care who i hurt or, what happens to me. all i want is for this pain to end. i dont care what i have to do, or who i lose along the way. i just want it to stop. im getting into something i shouldn't... im about to do something really stupid...planning on it, actually. it is 98% likely that im going to get my heart broken during the process of it. but truthfully... i dont care. i just want to feel something... i dont care if its more pain. i could use a good healthy dose of expected and in a way self-inflicted pain. it'll make a nice change from this unexpected, endless pain that is out of my hands. and in the hands of others... i have to take that power away. im sick of them being the puppet master. im sick of them pulling a string whenever they want something and me jumping through flaming hoops to accomidate them. im tired of eating, sleeping, living for them. and yet, whenever its something for me, they wont even lift a finger. i want to just cut the strings, sever ties, break the connection... know what i hate? i hate how im never good enough. im never good enough to know anything. im never good enough to be cared about. im only good enough for some guys because apparently, im easy. yeah, ok, because you know, ive screwed SO many guys...*sarcasm* the people i like, either im not good enough for them, or they arent good enough for everyone else: "ewwwww, you like him? what the hell are you on, hes not even cute. you should like this person. wait, scratch that, ive claimed them, but as long as you never look at/touch/talk to/ or even so much as think about them, we're okay." you know what? maybe i think he's cute. and it really pisses me off when you degrade him/me in an attempt to make me change my mind. of maybe you just enjoy my misery? i mean, you are pretty fucking sadistic. or maybe, just maybe, i liked that guy you "claimed" before you did. im fucking sick of you always getting exactly what you want, and it never being fucking good enough for you. you always want more. you know, ive never said anything about it when you wanted "more". i let you have your way. but now suddenly, i find myself being pushed out of the way. why? because you fucking want more. and apparently you always come first, because you're better then me, and no one cares what i want, because im not pretty enough or smart enough or good enough for it anyway, so why does it matter if i get hurt? it doesnt...so long as you're happy. how many people will you have to walk all over before you're finally satisfied? and by the way... im angry at you because im hurt. an old scar has been re-opened... that happens sometimes when deep wounds aren't taken care of and don't properly heal. except now, its gotten bigger...which makes things that. much. worse. ...know what else i hate? i hate how im standing amongst a crowd of people. and yet...im completely fucking alone. edit for the record...no, im not talking about cutting. my god, can people never let anything go? i dont do that anymore. the last time i did that was like, a month ago and that was symbolic... its an X over my heart. ...so really, it doesnt count. which means its been like... idk, a while. i dont count the days. so yeah...back off.