Relief Society was hard. I really loved the lessons, and I appreciate what I've learned in my life. I just kind of feel like I'm being stabbed over and over again. Punished time and time again. Reminded continually. I get it. I needed some privacy after to cry for a few minutes, but Jess and Nichelle were there after and that helped. Leesh talked to me also, and that's a definite improvement so I suppose all in all it wasn't to bad a day. -- This is so random. But I'm afraid of the dark. And last night when I was leaving Jess's house I was so afraid that I was going to be attacked that I just had to stand on the porch for a few seconds to get it together. It's normal that I feel anxious- I always do. But this was crippling. And the last couple times that I've had to walk ANYWHERE in the dark by myself I've been afraid to the point that I can feel my veins close up. I thought about it when I got home [still don't know how I made it home] and how I really don't know what I would do if I WAS attacked. I thought about the self defense courses that I've taken and just how little I remember. I got this strange feeling that I should start taking courses again and actually begin to advance with it. That scares me. But I think that I've known all along that at some point I'm going to have to defend myself. I don't know when, or why, or how.. but that's part of the reason I make it such a point to just make sure that my body is strong. That my legs are used to long distance running and jumping. That my arms are used to lifting and strong enough to punch. That's why I work out to keep my heart in condition to handle adrenaline rushes. I feel like I should be doing something more. And I guess it would be stupid to ignore a gut instinct like that. I'm anxious. I don't want it to happen, but if it does I want to be prepared. Anyways. -- I saw on someone else's diary a list of their 50 favorite things. I liked that idea so I'm going to steal it. :) 1. Waking up to sunshine spilling into my room 2. Going barefoot 3. The feeling after a good cry 4. Herbal tea with Daddy in the mornings 5. Breaking open a new CD 6. Having the house to myself so I can sing at the top of my lungs and dance at my will 7. The smell of campfire 8. Orchids 9. Lips kissing my neck, fingers playing with my hair 10. Going to bed with smooth shaved legs and fresh sheets 11. Baby giggles and smiles 12. Developing prints 13. Catching up with a good friend 14. Receiving mail/letters [from friends/family] 15. Driving with my windows rolled down, radio blaring 16. The adrenaline you feel right before you cliff jump 17. The rumble off my kitties belly when he purrs 18. My puppies wagging tail and cute snuffles 19. Sitting quietly in nature 20. A good worn in pair of jeans 21. A book I could read over and over again 22. Rain on the tin roof and my room lit with lightening. 23. Snowflakes on eyelashes 24. Eskimo kisses 25. Getting a stamp in my passport 26. Bear hugs 27. Laughing so hard it hurts 28. Sidewalk chalk 29. Running in the heat of the day to a good song 30. Pinkie promises 31. The squeaking sound a swing makes 32. Tree houses/ tree climbing 33. A clean and organized room 34. Greasy hands after working on a car 35. Wind blowing through my hair after I've just straightened it 36. Volcanoes 37. The sound of bowling pins being knocked down 38. Winks 39. Picking green grapes off the vines in the backyard 40. Plane take offs and landings 41. Inside jokes 42. Fireworks 43. Green eyes 44. Riding on a galloping horse, watching their mane blow in the wind 45. Having a butterfly land on my finger/hand 46. Clean nails 47. A hot shower after working out 48. Jumping in the river once I've biked to the top of the canyon and being dry by the time I reach the bottom 49. Helping people work through problems 50. The Mediterranean Sea maybe I'll try for 100 51. When a guy walks by and he's wearing some sweet cologne 52. Fondue 53. The thrill of catching frogs at the pond by the SDL 54. Fall colors 55. Catching someone doing something they normally wouldn't do in public 56. Rainbows 57. Thoughtful, random text messages 58. Leaving notes on people's cars [whether I know them or not] 59. Watching the kids come over and play with Tahoe 60. The smell of the plum trees at Lundstrom park 61. Watermelon sorbet w/graham crackers on a warm summer afternoon 62. Soft curls 63. Piano keys 64. Having a glass of cool crisp water 65. Sunday afternoon naps 67. Back massages while watching a movie 68. Spontaneous adventures 69. Conversations that I can only have with Guido 70. The wrinkles that your eyes get when you smile 71. Soft lips 72. Christmas lights at Temple Square 73. Water bears 74. When you can laugh at a hard situation later 75. The laughter after something awkward happens 76. Blushing, or seeing someone blush out of pleasure, not embarrassment 77. All fruit Pomegranate Paradise smoothie from Jamba Juice 78. Long lovely dark eye lashes 79. Nichelle's man voice 80. James and the "baby dinosaur" 81. Romantic comedies 82. The ripple of water when it's windy, or when you throw a stone in or touch the water 83. Putting on clothes right when they come out of the dryer 84. Sanding on the beach and feeling the sand slide out from under you 85. Exploring reefs 86. Running on the beach in the morning 87. Blood oranges 88. The smell of ocean/sea 89. Tan lines on my feet or back 90. Hanging clothes out on a line to dry 91. Italian and Australian accents 92. When my dog comes and lays on my feet while I'm working at the computer :) 93. Random acts of kindness 94. Love songs 95. Spinning 96. Peeling a banana [not necessarily eating it] 97. Not hitting a red light when going into town 98. When someone pinches my elbow to get my attention 99. Puzzing and being puzzed 100. Writing lists