I asked Jess about her mom tonight. I was afraid that it would be a sensitive topic, but it happened when she was 11 and she said it was alright. There really wasn't a defining reason for it. I've personally never had anyone that close to me pass away. I started thinking about it today as I took a meander through the cemetery. I enjoy looking at the headstones and reading the epitaphs. I like the peaceful feeling that sacred ground like that holds. I dunno. I realized that it hasn't happened to me. My grandma died but she was in Australia and I was here. And I was young. The memories I have of her a few and aren't really about what she was like as a person, just the things that we did. I know that she was kind and gracious, she had to have been to put up with Tori and myself. I was so detached when she left. I remember how she would put hot water bottles at the bottom of our beds to keep us warm in her cozy trailer behind the house. She's let us drink Milo but the gallon, and allowed us to romp around her room. We played with her coins and she would eat eggs with TONS of salt and read the paper. She was quiet and didn't talk to much. But she loved us. My grandpa died as well. I didn't find out until about a year after it happened. Daddy never told us kids. His relationship with his father was an interesting one. My parents relationship with their families is one big interesting story. Of my relatives I'm closest to my Auntie Susan. She's having a triple bypass heart surgery and she may or may not make it through. I'm not sure how I'll feel if she DOES pass away. She's led such a lonely life. With us here in the USA and with a family that doesn't pay much attention to her or her needs... I feel sorry for the way my Aunts life has played out. She deserves better. I wonder what I'll feel. Sad probably, guilty because of that time that she called and I didn't want to talk to her.. only to find out later that she had just wanted to wish me a Happy Birthday. I'm a jerk. I'll feel guilty about that for quite a long time. I hate making mistakes as much as I know it's a part of life. I didn't handle it very well when my mum was diagnosed with Cancer. I withdrew from her. I couldn't be in the same room with her. I stopped talking to her and she slowly became someone that I really didn't know. She wasn't my mum anymore. She was just a lady that lay in bed all the time, having just come home from a surgery.. never remembering my name and going through radiation. And then when things began to clear up I started talking to her again. We're still not close. I'm not sure how to be close to my mum.. it's something that I really should work on. Yeah.. I really need to work on that. Anyways. I've been close to friends that have lost loved ones. Lindsey for instance. I didn't know Emily at all, but going to the viewing was one of the more difficult things that I've had to do. Sitting down with Linds and seeing the obvious anguish and pain across her face and deep in her eyes was horrible to behold. I wanted to curl her up in my arms, stroke her hair and tell her that everything was going to be ok. I'm not a crier. But I remember fighting the tears brutally the entire time that I was in her presence, wanting to be strong for her in her desperate time of need. I thought about all this on my short little 1/2 an hour walk. I'm so grateful that I haven't experienced it yet, but I hope that when I do that I'm prepared and able to handle it in a healthy progressive way. My fear is that I'll take a dive back into my severe depression and become either reckless, or curl up in my bed for days on end, only leaving every once in a while to get a drink, or use the restroom. I remember what it was like when Fuzzy died. I wasn't myself for such a long time. I did stay enclosed in my room for the next couple of days. I couldn't go to school, I didn't see my friends, I wouldn't talk to my family and he was my dog. What am I going to do when it's a family member? Self destruct? I should work on it. ---- I'm making a portfolio/book. I want my engagement to last 6-8 weeks once I actually become engaged and I want everything ready. Dress and hair shops. Images of dresses [unless I decide to sew a dress which would be ideal] Flowers and the store names and addresses of where to find them. Food and #'s of caterer's or other possible ideas. Music and where and how we'll find them. Cake shops. Addresses for places I would consider holding the party afterwards. Possible locations for the honeymoon. Ideas for engagement pictures. People who could take out pictures and arrange them to our liking. Prices. I know there's a lot I haven't mentioned and that I haven't even considered. But I guess that's why I want to start this now. I don't want to be scrambling, and I don't want my engagement to last longer than 8 weeks. If I'm engaged, I want to get married ASAP and I don't want to be dealing with all this stuff when the time comes. Of course the stress will still be there, and yeah alot of my ideas may or may not change. But it would really relieving to have at least SOMETHING to work from. Anyways. Those are my goals for now: Work on my relationship with mum, and daddy- family in general Get through finals. Work on this wedding book/portfolio Figure out what to do with James this weekend Sew Jess's unicorn pillow before the 20th Purchase ticket to Adelaide, AUS Find out Cam's # and send it to Brooke Apply for job at LAC