Alright. I just have to write this down somewhere. I don't love him. I wish that I still did. But I don't. I don't love him. I feel so disoriented. Coming home has been a bitch. I haven't seen anyone in 6 months and it's so interesting how no one changed. At all. Not the tiniest little bit. I thought that something would be different. Like maybe they weren't doing the same old shit anymore. That somehow we'd all progress at the same level together. I don't think I consciously thought that, but the shock was....jostling. And I mean I just haven't known what to do with myself. Except, just BE by myself. It's been good, I made some mocassins,sharped a coyote bone and everything to make the holes. Used a knife to cut out the lases from that gorgeous elk hide. I beaded some lovely blue flowers on them. I beaded my Hindu prayer bag. I've read countless books and have been working on my book. I've been deep cleaning and planning my trips. I can't believe I leave in just a day. What an adventure. To a place that I love but to people that.... I love but don't know. Don't really know how to feel. I haven't seem my aunts, uncles or cousins for about 8 yrs. And seeing them now is going to be interesting. But at least they're all busy so I won't have to spend too much time with them. There will be lots of alone time which is more my style these days anyways. Lots of beach and site seeing. Lots of volunteer work and opportunities to try new things. I'm looking forward to it. Not necessarily the travel though I love to fly... but once I get there and have recovered from jetlag- things will be good. I don't know how to connect with anyone at home anymore. And since I've been back it's become more and more clear that.. this chapter in my life is closed and I don't ever really need to open that up again. I craved wine today. I took advantage of how easy it was to get alcohol while in Arizona. It was just to easy. I can't believe we never got caught. Either we're clever, or they're stupid. Probably a combo of both. Sarah popped that piece of gum into her mouth and mine started watering when I could smell the berries. I've never wanted anything so bad in my life. IT just reminded me of Inoke and all the nights we spent together fooling around. Always taking things to far, but not caring in the morning because... for the most part we'd forgotten. What I wouldn't give for a bottle and his body tonight. What I wouldn't give. Ta'