it's me a long time. hasnt it? I'm not refering to entries as most people after a long time not writing. I'm mostly refering to the last time I really went out and had fun. I miss getting in mischief every night. I miss having the time of my life doing nothing. Dont get me wrong. I love how my life is right now. But i do truly miss being a complete Juvinile Dilenquant. I miss causing chaos. And i hate the hassle of going out of my way to avoid seeing certain people. people who have a noticed effect on my judgment. ----------------------------------------- I have such a great thing going for me, and I want to spend the rest of my life with Ryan. I just wish he would like the chaotic side of me as well. ========================================== Ever notice how old friends always seem to be the ones there when you need them? The Leannes are there when i need them. I found a note from Leanne C from when dan and i broke up. She truly is a beautiful person. And a good friend, and i wish we hadnt lost touch so much. Then Leigh-ann P is amazing as well. When i was upset after getting booted out of English she was the first i could think of to go to. And she is the sweetest girl ever, She hugged me and talked with me and sat with me til I calmed down and ever afterwards... I miss having friends like that all the time. ````````````````````````````````````````````` ''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' There are two parts to a relationship, Listening and talking. If you have a hand in both things will go well. Many people i know are just talkers. Ryan and i argue because we're both stubborn, but we do both listen... its complicated, and I'm childish. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Sometimes i wake up and feel this strange familiar sense, like somebody i used to know is close back, then I smell them, then i see them, then their gone. But I dont want them to be gone. Sometimes I just need to talk, and have them listen for once. I always listened with you. And sure, i hate you, or should hate you, and try to hate you, But i cant hate you, I cant even hate my ex step mother, I would give my life just to have her treat me like a daughter. And I would give anything to take back what i did when I knew you. If i hadnt done it, then i would bet my life that we would be friends but thats never going to happen ()()()()()()()())()()()()()()()()()()()()() If our nationalities were character traits. I bet I would be part Flirt, part fuck up, and part nieve. I cant help it really. I just cant help but try and see the good in everyone. and I see so much good in everyone that I cant help but let them hurt me. but i know you'll never hurt me... i love you ><><><><><><><><>><><><><>><>><>><><><>><><>< Does it surprise me more, or you more that I cant tell the difference between sarcasim and enthusiasm? It's a close call with many people <><><><><>><><><<><><><><<>><><><><><><><><>< I dont think anybody ever reads this anyway _-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_ pretty, all the colors that I miss out on. its depressing but what does it matter. I gues it doesnt really matter, just wasted depression, why not load mine on somebody else? I'm am probably the most content with my self than anybody i know. Yes, I'm a fuck up, yes I've done some very stupid things. But I kinda like me. so I guess thats good.... right? +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Except that sometimes i feel like a fool, i feel embarressed for myself, I feel like people are laughing. And it's sick really. the old perverted men who follow you down the street cat calling. And i know I bring it apon myself. And i do have reason for dressing the way i do. When your the ugly skinny girl for so long you'll do anyting to be that pretty skinny girl. I got the messed up version though. Although i may be skinny. I think I'm ugly. deep down, yes i do. It happens I guess. What to hear something else that makes me sick? probably not... but this is my journal so I'm going to say it anyway. It makes me sick that I' gaining weight. I'm terrified that I'm getting fat. because I guess after being the Skinny ugly girl for so long, putting on a little weight isfrightening.... especialy when you notice that things jiggle....And sure, everybody who knows me is screaming ' your skinny, shutup" but this is how I feel and I'm allowed to feel.. arent I? ******************************************** When you heartless for so long it starts to hurt when your heart gets loaded with a full scedual. Loving is painful, and i cant get enough of that pain. give me more please sir.... i want some more...