I really like him. But now I think it's hopeless. We talk online but never have anything to say. I don't want it to be like this. I really don't. And I'm going w/Kolya to the dance. Which isn't bad. But I don't have any feelings for him. (haha anymore!) (the beginning of school was different) And I'm becoming really good friends with this guy who's 19 and works at Target. He's really cool. He texted me a whole bunch today. But he's 19. And...I don't know. I've liked him since the FIRST day of school. The day I knew absolutely NOTHING about him. I liked him when I had a boyfriend. I liked him more than I liked Jeremy when something almost happened between us. I didn't care when he got his hair cut. I still liked him. I think he is really really awesome. And he remembers things I talk to him about which hardly ever happens with any other guys I know. I HATE THIS FEELING. I know that if I found some other guy and went out with them I could be perfectly happy and content. But I would still long for him. And I wonder who he's going to the dance with...he said he was "looking forward to seeing me there" It doesn't mean anything...but maybe I could dance with him. Yea right. Unless he asked me. Which he won't. Oh my fucking god why does teenage romance have to be so fucking hard and disappointing and such a let-down. I hate it. But I know if I stop liking him and just decide to give up, I'll be really bored and bitchy and I might do things I promised I wouldn't....but still do anyway, but I would do them more. So I need to keep trying. Marissa's wrong. No fucking budding romance. Amanda's wrong. No fucking love connection or whatever. Tara's right. I don't stand a chance. But sometimes I hate how Tara is always right. How she is so brutally honest. Like when she said I'd cry on Monday. Sometimes I think it's because she has no faith in me these things happen... I'm gonna have a shitload of homework tomorrow and this weekend. Stupid fucking cell city and FUCKING 9th grade project. I hate it. I'm going to go cry now. Not just about this. About my mom being so pissed at me for no good reason. About how much I hate it at Foothill and I never want to go back but I'm forced to everyday. About how I can't talk openly to anybody because I don't trust them. About why I am a fucking dumbass bitch with no real life. And lastly, about why I have to lie to everyone.