I'm breaking down about every little thing. he knows my name. he said my name. it made me happy. but not that much. i think i'm starting not to care. but i like when he looks at me. i really don't want to cry right now. not with my parents here and able to barge into my room. but i can't help it. i have saved it all day and i really need to let it out. i'm such a failure. i hate myself. i'm such a bitch. and i don't do a damn thing about it. i just sit in my room and cry and then when i go to school i hide it so nobody will know and be like all "OMG I'm soo sorry" and shit. I don't want all the fucking bullshit from the fake people. sometimes...i wish i wasn't here. no, not sometimes. ALL the time. But then somebody comes along and I think they can change my opinions on life. Because they are so sincerely nice to me. Or they give me hope. And I hate when those people come along. Because then I just get let down. They either aren't what they seem to be or they just...fuck me over. i wish i could lock my door. i hate fearing my mother coming in and seeing me like this. stewart came over today. well so did amanda. but yea, it's totally cool with him b/c amanda said he likes this other chick so there's like absolutely no tension with him and it's a strictly-friends relationship. Oh god what if Joel calls while I'm crying. Ooh not good. Because I barely know him and wouldn't feel comfortable having to explain my sob story. Already been through that enough times. wow. i'm really stupid.