So i have been missing in action for a while and just taking time to myself. i sort of relized i was going back to my old reserved yet nerdy self and just kind of taking a vaction in my head. i started to think.. oh my god. have i really changed so much that i am unreconizable? i mean shit... i dont even know what makes me happy anymore. haha. have i ever been happy? or is happiness just an illision we have to pull ourselves threw our own personal tourcher. Goodness gracious. the last time i smiled and really remember feeling somewhat thrilled and alive was when he was still around and i still hate how i just sort of turned my back on everyone that ever ment a god damn thing to me. and it was because of who i was at that very moment. it was because of who someone had made me at that moment. Sometimes i think i should just be that selfish bitch everyone knows. the one who basically in so many words uses people to get to where ever it is they want to go. those people i have met and those people are the happy ones. or at least the happiest ones i have ever met. mabe thaT is the goal. get ahead by destroying the compition. because i mean... everyone is the compition when it comes to trying to figure yourself out. Demons and Devils. everyone has some. but mabe those demons are our drive in some demented way that only god knows. without hate in our blood without misery and without all the famous seven sins, we wouldnt be anywhere, we wouldnt be anyone. for they all act upon echother and all of them are what makes our blessings. There are alot of things that a person will learn in thier life and many questions that will be unanswered. i have figured out though that we can have the answers for those questions that we seek. Life is all cause and affect. If we choose to listen. Answers will come. Tests are what make us stronger and ultimately kill us in the same breathe. Mental Physical Spirtiual tests. things that are intertwined, pain sorrow and fear, are also acommidated by the happier emotions life has to offer such as joy pleasure and certinty. Without lifes many tests however, how would we ever know the diffrence between sorrow and pain. all emotions would be the same, nothing would ever change. A persons mind is the strongest thing probaly in the world. The whole: if you think you can do it then you can thing, its all true although on a short leash. I have actually come to terms with the fact that if you have the mental strenghth to survive threw any truama in life, then you are a strong person. One more thing i have observed this year.... many things come at you. this is life. some things you cant controll and others that you may THINK you can. But what it all boils down to.. there is no thing on this earth you really can controll yourself. Everything and i mean literally everything is dependant on something elese. like a fetus is dependant on the mother for life in that stage. Everything needs something elese there pushing it along to work out properly. so why do i feel the intensity to have to talk about all the things i have said above? Well.. its the end of the year and lets face it, for anyone who has known me for almost as long as i can remeber, knows that this year has been the worst of my life more then likely. Most of them know only because they have been there right beside me or right in the middle of the horrible things that have occured this year. Most of my friends trauma's have been caused by me or have started over me. So they would know that 2006 is the only year i will remeber with hate and with saddness, and yet somehow a small lining of happiness. Point being the worse this year got the more i learned, exspecially when i began to actually listen to everyone and myself. i am dangling on the edge of sanity and insanity, waiting for one person or one event to push me off into a direction of certinty. wether it be sanity, in which case i supose life will go on as me being a quiet and kept to myself girl, with brillance that no one will see or that someone will manipulate to make their own desires become a reality..... Or i will be pushed to insanity and live how i have always wanted to, letting the wind blow me to my next fall or my next break. following my heart and my conscience to a place i will never want to leave, and yet somehow, never return back to the thing that is reality, and adventually drown in my own dreams. but drowing with joy. I guess thats just the question though that everyone waits thier whole life on. What Now? May peace follow me into 2007. Peace of mind and peace of spirit. I am by no means a religous person, but trust me, tonight and everynight i will silently pray for a bright and happy future, of few bumps and few scraps. our lives are our grearest peices of art. what we paint on the canvas, will not go away but instead just become part of the picture. our past doesnt leave. but our future is open wide and blank. So this is the question i leave for 2007.. is my masterpeice going to be something i will enjoy showing to someone else or one of the things i try to hide in imbarassment? Only time can tell.