i wish it were as easy for me to move on as it is for you. i wish i could even have something as simple as a crush on someone else but you wont let me. you tell me its my fault that i cant move on. i dont think so. now a days it seems like you tourcher me more then you do help me. i learned everything from you that i needed to fairly quickly. i should have just walked away then before i became like this. sadly enough you dont even know that you do this to me and even if i had tried to explain it to you - you'd turn it around and twist it into something that it just simply isn't. you seem to be putting more stress on me then its worth and yet i still to this day dont want anything better then the best for you. sometimes i even see you as my child and all i want to do is watch you grow. but you push everyone away that tried to help you.... it was only a matter of time before i got pushed. did you even care about me like you said or was it some sort of fake facade? even if you did love me and were inlove with me i would have prefered for you to tell me that it wasnt true. that way i wouldnt be hanging on something that might happen. i have done everything for you from big things as in trying to get you sober to things as simple as being no more then your maid. how many times and for how long have i taken care of you? and then you put people that you tell me you dont even like infront of me. how do you really think that makes me feel? you, my first boyfriend my first lover my first kiss... i thought that when god sent you to me it was a blessing. i thought that maybe we were soulmates, just because of how ironic it all seemed to occur. now im not so sure. i remember this quote that i herd.. if it isnt complicated then its not love. when i first heard it the person i thought of was you. and then i began to think how true it is. now i dont believe thats true. things in this life are as they are. nothing more.. nothing less. there are reasons and ways but it doesnt ever change the situations. and thats all we are. thats all we have ever been. a situation. if i had one wish i would use it on you. if i had one last breathe i would use it saving you. if i had to let myself be stuck with one person for the rest of my life and no one elese besides them....... it would be you. but heres the thing. i dont want it to be you. you narrow my world, deduce my possibilites, and deafen my spirit. how can i love someone that i think fucks me over so much? with you i never know. you say one thing, then cover it up with the next to make it something that it never was to begin with. i wish i was braver so i could just confront you to your face about it, about everything that i feel. unfortunatly im not. thats something i have to learn to except becasue i doubt that will change. thats something you have to except. even if i had come to you with my concerns like you have always wished, would you really listen, and stay quiet long enough for me to try to explain it? would you be kind and talk to me like two civilized poeple or would you be able to kill with your tone of voice and sharp words? would you twist the situation to better your half and make me feel like im a weak little child lost and alone? before you even think to answer this question, you already know the answer deep inside, and so do i.