i cant do this anymore. pretend like you dont cause me any pain. pretned like i am perfectly happy. even if you arent directly touching me you are directly affecting me.... and honestly your scaring the shit out of me. all i can do anymore is cry over you. and i know your right when you say i have to leave you. but i cant its just too hard. i wish i could leave you behind. i could quitt anything today.... EXCEPT you. and i wish it werent that way. i just hurt myself by doing it like this. every other person i am with i wish it was you, and the reason why i dont want to move on is because im going to be looking for that next person to match you and the truth is there is no one that can match you. and your right - i can only write to you or talk to you when one of us is completely drunk... your so.... god i dont even know i wish i did know. im too kept to myself because i think i become crazy when it comes to you... i have done things for you i never thought i would for anyone and i have giving up alot for you, alot to you. when i need you the most you arent there..... when i need you to be right next to me and just lay, your not. and when i fall completely inlove with you agin its the wrong time. this is not ment to be either a compliment or insult, but becasue of you i never want to love agin. i dont want to feel this anymore. i think i have been inlove with you for six years now.. i know you know what it feels like to be holding on to someone for so long, but let me tell you something matt, sometimes its better that u hold on to them when there gone rather then when they are so close all you have to do is reach your arm out and touch them. the problem with you is me. you havent ever steered me wrong intentionally. i know you wouldnt.i am just so diffrent from you and alike in the same breathe... we mold into eachother and bounce off ripping all bonds just to mold into one agin. everyday there is at least 5 times i fall inlove with you, and everyday there is at least 5 times a day i hate you becasue you turn into someone i dont know. a big problem with you is the one thing that makes us connect so intensly, and i dont want to loose that connection, but i dont want you to loose to 'it'. its like posion. a drug overdose. right when your at your end, your heart starts agin. thats what it does to you and i get that. but its killing you! this is just a temporary fix, where the long term is worse then the short. i wish sometimes i could just yell at you and tell you how stupid you are! YOU ARE KILLING YOURSELF. i cant watch that. i just so so badly want to yell.... but everytime i think i can the words just get sucked up into a nothingness. i open my mouth and nothing comes out. you killing yourself, is killing me. im so sick of saying the same things in almost the same ways, but i cant think of any other way to say it or put into the right words for the things i cant write or say that i feel. But thats just it matthew, there are no right words. there are no right moments. im begining to even doubt that magic we once held onto...your always going to live in my heart. even after my body dies, ill find you in the next life. we are eachothers worst enemys and eachothers best friends. i cant dance this dance with you anymore matt. i am not ready to let go of you. truthfully even if i do, it wont be because i wanted to. or even for that fact that i was ready to. heh.. i guess your stuck with me. or mabe you veiw it as im stuck with you. but let me tell you something matthew, you are my better. you always will be my best. and always be someone i will never forget even if i cut all ties with you, and if i pretend like nothing over the past year happened and if i just dont have anything to remind me of you...... i will remember you for a thousand years after i stop talking to you. you wont leave me. i hope i never leave you.