i already know that matt and i are on diffrent paths. oddly enough im ok with that. i know we have to go on our own (more geared to me) to make it anywhere, otherwise itll just be beth and matt.... one brian one way/ i have to find what works for me and what i want, and he has to do the same. this something - one of the only things - we cant help eachother with. it is our own personal path we have to take. Then maybe once we have walked, we will find something agin that we thought was there before. Matt is my best friend and i would do almost anything for him.. but sometimes i guess you need a break from that person in your life that your most inlove with. its like that old saying.. you never know how much you love something unitll you let it go.. i have grown enough to see some sort of clarity in my life, and as things are stilll hetic for me its ok. i can handel it now. i dont think about sucide anymore and i dont really think about cutting or drinking or excaping.. i dont even really think. im so much more this is me and if you dont like it go the fuck away. i have to credit some of - most of - this to matthew. without him i would still be a shy and meak little girl. hes helped me come into myself. but i dont know if it was in a good way that he did it. matt and i are like and open and unfinished book. im just reading threw the pages right now. ill adventual put down the book for alittle while and go on, before picking it up agin and filling in the rest. for him? i dont know if he'll ever finish the book. hes too scattered right now. his enegy isnt centered. once he figures out his right direction, can he finally finish that book with me no matter how it ends. My aunt had told me before that matt was going to be falling inlove with someone deeply. all his time and devotion was going to be geared toward this kid & this kid wasnt even really going to like matt as much as matt liked him.... worse yet its going to happen in the week. and amazingly it did. the ones name is steve. lol. steve. hes quiet the charector. i really hope steve isnt the one that matt is falling for because steve is going to fuck matt over. i know it i feel it. steve will hurt matt. then i think maybe itll be good if he gets hurt from steve. maybe he will feel alittle bit of the pain he inflicted on so many, and finally be able to understand it. you cant fix something you CANT understand. dont get me wrong i dont under any circumstance want him to suffer and be upset i just want him to be happy. but somethings you cant have someone tell you and somethings you cant just see. it has to happen to you before you truely understand. every bit of pain he caused me has made me stronger and smarter. im sure its the same for the rest of the people he manages to tourcher uncontiously. Sometimes i wonder about that though. he says he doesnt relize hes doing it but ehh.... it doesnt seem like it most of the time. he is power hungry i think and needs to feel incontrol. i dont think he always use to be like that though but maybe its just because im seeing more now then i did before. this summer is going to be hell. i can almost tell it right now. i have a feeling my true friends will be revealed and those who arent will shine brighter then the rest. i dont think im ready for this. and yet somehow i tell myself everyday this is what you need. you need to go threw something like this and thatll be it. ill learn ill grow. ive been threw sooo much already. i mean there isnt much more. i cant cry anymore. its not because im happy or becasue im too depressed. its becasue even though i speak of these incrediably inspiring words to other people, im just empty waiting for that first emotion to hit, unaware of when or how... or where... oh my god.. i am terified. i am so fucking terrified. things are changing and people are moving on and up. i am so scared. im on my way to breaking into what ever it is that i want. right now i know i have the fundamentals of whatever i need to go wherever i want to. but where from here? where do i want to go?i know who i am now, but i dont know where i want to go. i have to begin to be more honest with myself becasue although i may know who i am i am not showing all my true colors. im still to scared. if i could just break free from what it is that i think other people are thinking about me i will be fine. but can i really do that? XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX im amazed how i use to think matt was my soulmate. its not that the notion is funny or rediculous, its just that now i dont really believe in soulmates. i dont even really believe in love that much anymore. at least not for me. i saw these two couples at work today. they looked so happy and they bickered but never really got angry with eachother. is that love? or is that something elese? maybe im just nuts which im begining to think more often then not. i so badly want to be head over heals inlove with matt agin. but. im not. i love him and i will always love him. but not how i use to. things have just fadded so much into a friendship. i want to be happy with someone, but that someone isnt matt anymore. i honestly dont think we could be happy. even being friends is like a strian. so much has changed and i dont even know what it is. i just know things arent the same between us on both of our parts. i want to cry. i really do. but i cant. i cant even make myself. am i happy? i dont really know. will i ever be happy? thats even more uncertin. maybe for a couple weeks or months or maybe even a couple years. but i dont think i will be happy from the time i grab it to the time i die. it will fade. itll fade like everything elese in my life did. and there is one thing that seems to be true. things fade but they never really go away. he will always be close to my heart but fate will run its course. matt and i will gradually drift from eachother, maybe meet one more time when we are accomplished, then that will be the last time i see him and he sees me. im just scared that he wont remember me, or worse, with the time that has passed i wont remember him. 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