god! i am just so angry and upset.. all i want to do is cry or breakdown or something... something to show that i am still alive. i miss my past and my future is not there or even reconizable. im relizing alot of things that i cant even grasp and i cant deal with all the shit. i feel so guilty and like everything is just adding up and its too much. all i want to do is cut, cut to kill, so i cant feel this way anymore. i have been so angry for so long and now everything is just catching up. its like om my god what have i done? i would get down on my knees and pray for the end of the world pray to be taken away, but prayer doesnt help. it never has. i am not religios nor am i unreligious. i just belive. and right now i belive that things wont get better. i belive things are just as bad as i never wanted them to be. i crave to be close to someone, anyone, and i crave for a sancutary. but nothing is comming. i think i am inlove i think i am happy, i think i am many things that i know arent true. and i cant breathe. god... i cant breathe. i feel like im drowning in something that isnt even there. time passes like it never exzisted and time - time is my biggest enemy. i cant concour anything that i have tried to. i wish i had a magic genie. even if i had only one wish.... i thought that i would amount to something better then what i have. and i have so much guilt for disappointing myself. i cant stand anyone, i dont want to talk to anyone and i dont want to be around anyone. its like im living in a nightmare. every day waking up is a chore. but i am so scared of fadding away into nothingness, and when my name comes up in a crowd everyone turns there heads and says who? im sick of being invisable and passed right over. i dont think this even makes scence. my head is so full of miserable memories and dreadful destinys. im nothing but a lost little child, that couldnt see things as they are even if i had fallen right in it. i hate myself and i hate everyone around me for actually liking this person that i am. I DONT KNOW WHAT I WANT I DONT KNOW WHO I AM I DONT KNOW ANYTHING. I WISH I HAD BUT I DONT. im falling and falling when am i going to hit ground? i dont want to feel like this and i dont know why i do........ i wish someone was me for a even a day so they could see what i feel for once, becasue trying to put it into words is too painful for me. there arent words. what am i so angry over? what makes me so sad? i dont have any memories of these things i just have the left over feelings of overwhelming defaet and discust. discust in myself and defeat by myself. i use to think i could do anything. that was when i was a child. now i am an actual adult. and im more of a kid then i was when i was a kid. someone something help me. pull me out of this. i cant drown anymore. my lungs are filling and no one sees. no one cares. life is lonely. i should be getting used to this. i wish i was strong enough to end it all. i wish.