i have been thinking about us. Me and Matthew. should i let my desires conqour that of which i feel is right? I would go to the end of the world and back because i love him so much, but i know that love wont be returned. i can tell myself i have moved on but in the truth i know i havent. my heart will always love him. for how long though is the question. if i stay around him i will always have these burst of emotional ups and downs.. ill probaly kill myself imbetween the sorrow struck songs and the substances i put into my body to forget how much i love him. Matthew is my best frined. He almost feels like my first friend. he is the only one i can tell anything to and even if i get alittle uncomfortable... i still can tell him. i have no one else like that now and around me. my brain is conflicting with itself in an almost frieghting manner. i know what i have to do and i know what i want to do. the diffrence between the two can be vital to my exzist here on earth. i can live for now, accomplish everything i thought i wanted to... and then just fade away with the bugs and dirt that will be my new best friends, or i can break away from all i know and all i love and feel like im dying on the inside for god knows how long - but live a full, and hopefully satisfying life filled with childern and laughs and some crys, feeling the rain on my shoulders instead of just charging threw it. i wish i could have this happy meduim in my life where i know set in stone that he will never leave me nor will i leave him, and that we will always remain best friends, but i will also be able to break alittle into something that is about me and all about me.he is my only drive now. he is my desire to live. he is my breathe, my water, my food, my high, my drunk. he is my everything now. and lately i have been getting these overwhelming feelings that this is going to become a sticky miserable and long fight between what my heart and head tell me. i dont know if i have energy left enough to fight anymore. Its almost alittle funny to think that i had fought so hard to keep him around, and now im fighting so hard to just choke back that he isnt right for me. saying he isnt right for me is like loosing breathe and a beat of my heart. i dont know if its fear, that if anything had happened, to make me walk away - that for once in my life i would actually be completly alone and that for once in my life i would be free and directionless. everything would be about where i want to start. or if its becasue he was the first and only Man i saw an entire future with from children to marriage to even little road trips and imaginary vacations. i guess i really did it this time huh? where am i to go from here? what am i to do? there is still so much circulating in me that i cant even spit out if i tried. i choke on my words.