i want to be alone i dont want to hear words i dont want to have knowledge i dont want to be the one with so many friends it would take my hands and feet and the next four peoples next to me feet and fingers i want to be alone becasue i want to feel the pain i want to feel alone i want to have no hope and i want to just be whatever i dont care anymore about what is going on and i dont care about what i may become i dont want to breathe and i just wish sometimes the hurt would come over me i wish i could feel all these emotions so i can just get them out of me and i dont care if i die in the process of picking up my peices and i dont care who i take down with me i dont care who i loose in the end becasue i lost everyone i thought was with me and i cant help but think this way when everything signals i should and i hate that i have to be this way to force all this out of me and i dont want to be that old and bitter lady sitting on her pourch at night wondering what went wrong but i cant be this girl i am turning out to be i have to hold on some people say but holding on takes too much strenght from me i have expened every last bit of me trying to save all the people i thought of as family but what will happen when i need the saving? i dont think anyone will rescue me XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX what comes next in this life? what conquors all? people use to tell me it was love. but now im not so sure. i only know what i have seen and what i have been told. and all that is were lies that made me cold. i cant believe that this is where i am. surronded by people i hate and things i cant exscape. what happens to me if i really did loose everybody? my famliy has fallen apart and my friends i dont even know where to start.. it seems like everything has fallen apart. i wish i could dream and i wish i could feel my heart beat, but everyday all i feel is the decaying of me. am i rotting here with no one to see? is this just me and the way it ought to be? they say trials make a person stronger, my trials kill me and everytime its taking longer and longer. im suffering and i want to end it all, but being selfish isnt in me at all. so i have come back to this cicle that wont end. the circle of hate and the circle of quick sand. if i were a holier person i would pray. but i dont think god is on my side today. what comes at me fast, leaves even faster, what comes at me with time devours. i cant think anymore. i cant breathe anymore. im drowning in this sea. a sea of all the lies told to me. a sea where there is no return. the sea that eats at me. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX