is one persons happiness worth anothers pain? what if something feels right but is wrong for someone elese? how can you challenge like when love is the competitor. how do you break someone heart just to heal your own. Theres no easy way. for someone its not going to be okay. Do you choose murder or suicide?

why does it still phase me when you say things like this? i wish i could take something to relieve the sting you left but theres no drug strong enough to erase this. its constant and ever lasting, and is beginging to feel like you breathe just to ensure that you can inflict it. how can you not know what you do hurts so bad. Even if the right isnt mine to hurt like this it doesnt change the facts that it does. i guess my instincts really were right this time, and people really dont change.

im loosing my mind. Being compltetly wrapped and absorbed into my own warped thoughts and delousions. im hiding within myself. dying within myself. placed in the middle of a patch of land with at least 100 diffrent ways to go which road do you pick? how do you know its the right one? how do you know it wont lead you to failure and hurt. how do trust and believe its the right. im too busy being trapped in my past to start toward any future i could have. i feel like clearing everyone out and leaving starting anew where no one even has the slightest clue what my name is and my background. i dont know anyone. i want to be a stranger. a ghost. will it ever change? will i ever be happy with where i am. who im with. Who i am. it seems impossible to have everything. or even something. anything?

who could ever know the truth? the thoughts and the feelings and the longing. i just want to go back. back to when thing never made scence but it ws all ok and things had esxcitement and everything was something wrapped in a menaing so much bigger then nothingness. the games and the tricks and the plans and scheming but all of it was so much fun even when i was deterating. There was a meaning and an adventure 24/7. now its all gone, and will stay all gone. It could never be the same.

Well... its amazing how one little break up happens and all the sudden if feels like im a social butterfly. Lol. Yes. I offically dumped D, and despite what it may seem, not for K. Although K and i are getting along better. The thing i love about him is that i always laugh, even if its at myself. Oh, yeah, K and i may be working together shortly as well. I tink i may have gotten him a job at my friendlys. he goes for teh interview today. Another interveiwer... D. yes... SHOCKINGLY he has a walmart interview today as well. Im excited for him. Although i broke up with him it doesnt mean that i dont care, and i really do hope he can step up if not for himself then for our son on the way. ( Yes its a boy, dont know if i mentioned it before, but im carrying a little baby boy. So excited!) As for myself... Well i been hanging out with alot of my friends again. in the past few days ive seen more people then i have in the past two months. Its nice. The baby i think is doing well, i mean theres nothing out of the ordinary, although the other day i think i felt him move. Im really not sure, and it was probaly just my mind because i was so intently focusing on feeling something but ill take what i can get, Im almost 19 weeks, i wanna feel the damn thing move! lol. I must admitt, ive been slacking off of my real estate and body language self paced courses. Im so busy looking into mystery shopping, feeling like crap and working to get too much of anything in. Besides I been getting these awful headaches that make it hard to do anything. I nearly crashed the car the other day because my head hurt so bad. i should start carrying tylenol on me.. AT ALL TIMES. Theres been LOADS and LOADS of drama with my step father. Just the other day he started threatening D again, so the cops came to the house (for the second time in this week). Im starting to feel more and more like white trash. If that wasnt bad enough he then proceeded to call me useless and said he hopes my baby dies. Hmm.. whatta guy. I hope my mother really is serious when she said she wants to leave. I cant raise a child in this envirement. I cant move out and raise a child by myself on what i make knowing that im not going to be working soon. Things hopefullly will get better soon.

i wish i knew the perfect words to say, but the truth is when it comes to this i dont have even the slightest clue how i would begin putting my thoughts into something logical, something understandable. My brain has done the biggest line of the best brand of cocaine and is spewing illogical things in every direction making it hard to know what im really thinking feeling being. But if i had the perfect words, maybe everyone could understand. Maybe you would understand. Its all bottled up how i actually am. Youve got to be pretty dumb to think when i say everything is fine, that its the truth. Everything is not fine and everything is not good. As a matter fact i wish i could find the strength to scream at the top of my lungs so maybe everyone could finally have the slightest incling of what it is that theyve turned me into. Aside of those matters, look at what im facing in this very moment. Everything is going to change and i, no matter how hard i want to, will not and can not stop it. And to make everything worse even if i wanted to stop it i dont think i would. Whose to say that ill ever get this oppertunity to bring life into the world again. Since i was young, and i mean very young, all i wanted to do was marry reproduce and die. Now that one third of them is checked off the list ive choosen to change it up to what would be impossible now with the expant new arrival. All the same i could never bring myself to "take care of it". Its funny how the moment i decide that i dont want such a dull existance is the moment im granted it. What have i really got to complain about though? The man who helped me into the situation loves me so much so he'd take his own life if it were to save mine, and he actually wants to step up and be a man. To take care of his responsablites. Yet. i want close to nothing to do with him. Is it him? Is it me? would there ever be hope that i would change my mind and i could really have that happy little family i always dreamt of? With things as uncertin as they are, no wonder why ive become so opposed to bringing a child into this world. Could i really do this on my own? Am i strong enough to change everything that is necessary to ensure the saftey and happy living condition of my little bundle of joy? Am i really ready to be a parent? youd think with everything i been threw the answer would be a gigantic astonding YES, but truth is.....

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today is my birthday.... Last night i spent my time after working 9 hours in the hosp. ER. I come home thinking ill pee then go to bed, but to my utter shock.. the toliet paper is soaking in bright red blood. So to the hosp. i go... Luckily everything is fine and the heart beat is strong, normal. Baby lives to see another day :) but bed rest today. Its bright and sunny out, which is better then what the waetherman said it should be. i was kinda getting upset that there might be a blizzard. Im so sick of the snow. hopefully the day will continue to be bright asnd sunny. A few days i decided that going on a break with my boyfriend would be the best thing. I cried. which i wasnt expecting. theres alot thats been going on lately. my step father told my boyfriend to go kill himself. He called him useless and pathetic, amoung other things. then he was banned from the house.. for no reason at all. the next day i dumped him. If he cnt come over then i can never see him. i really hope things end up working themselves out.

I should appreciate him more then i do. Even if being in a relationship with him isnt something i want anymore more, or being around him makes me more stressed then just about anything elese in the entire world, he does try what he thinks is his best. I know in the end its not him im going to be raising my family with, but maybe there is hope we could at least remain friends after all is said and done. After all, we are having a kid together, not that that means all that much anymore these days.

Well. We talked with the priest yesterday, and for a moment there i thought we were going to be ok. Then this morning came, and suddenly the irratation he caused me was enough to be convinced that nothing is going to work. The priest asked if we liked eachother. He of course said he liked me he loved me. But when it came time for me to answer, all i had running threw my mind was do i really like him? I said yes of course. But honestly i cant think of anything that i do like. Yet i wont leave. What is it? Ive got alot of making my mind up before i take the next. Maybe a break is the best way.

Ive been making phone calls to local churches asking if they offer couples thearpy. In just asking the questionmy eyes start tearing up. (the poor woman at the one church must think im being beaten senseless. i feel bad that i made her feel bad.) If i cant even ask for the thearpy without tearing up how am i going to sit threw a 50 min. session without balling. These damn hormones dont help one bit either. But its mandatory that we do this. I honestly dont see us together by the time our kid is born. Its the last desprite act of a desprite person. Im tired, and i dont know how much longer i can fight for a relationship im not even sure i want. Maybe happier days will be on the horizon.

Maybe i just have to be alone for alittle while. Im not happy and im sick of lying about it. I dont know if i should be fighting for my boyfriend anymore or if i should just let it all go. Afterall how much does it really matter? Our relationship has been going downhill for the past few months, and it doesnt seem to be taking a diffrent direction. He doesnt want to let me go, but i think he might have to learn how to. I feel like hes hindering my personal progress. He doesnt stimulate my mind, or spirt. Not from day one. The only thing that was there was lust and now i see where thats gotten me... a week shy of four months pregnant. I feel as if the strength i had just decided to leave one day. Everyone around me is complaining how they cant take it anymore and as a result has decided to take everything out on me because im just about the only one in their life that wont say a damn thing. While all this is happening no one ever stops to think how i feel. Im 21, and make 70$ a week at a job that costs about as much as i make to get there with a baby on the way and no where to put it. Im, of course the only one with a job in the reltionship i have, so my 70$ is going to have to buy a rent and bills and food and baby stuff. im pretty sure im on the verge of loosing my job, and no one elese will hire me while im pregnant, shit.. it took me two years to find the job i have now. BUT no... im fine. why not take in everyone eleses shit while im at it. does it ever get easier? im starting to thnk it doesnt. ive been asking the same question scince i was 15, and everything has only gotten worse. I fear that i have no path in life and that im just a useless waste of space stealing oxygen from people who really need it. god i wish i hadnt quit smoking. I really could have gone for a ciggerate now.

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stupid little girl you arent that smart your not in controll you dont know things are diffrent now playing in a world thats not yours stop pretending your not as hard as you think stupid little girl just give up the fight there isnt wrong and rite just now and later your actions speak louder even when you stay silent and your gonna break hearts why do you think your so big stupid little girl stop playing these games your better then that and its not just a hat trick you put aside its life you cant take back the past so watch your step before your furture turns black stupid little girl go home now you dont belong here stupid little girl dont fight this fight go back to your own world.

I miss the old days, even though my friends were back stabbers, my boyfriends cheaters, and i never knew if i was comming or going. Everything was new, all the experiances. the first heartbreak, the rush of ding something wrong, the anticipation for another day simple because i never could tell what was going to happen. When i look back, those were my most miserable, yet absoultly thrilling days. Suddenly its like the "thrilling" died. I dont get excited at the notice of a man starring me up and down, im petrified to anything wrong, i have no dreams, no hopes, and every day is the same routine. Where is my wonderfull crazy intresting life gone? Is this what it feels like to grow up? is this going to be the rest of my life? I feel as if im dying. Being pulled by an unforseen and still invisable undertoe. I cant breathe. If i cant breathe i cant live. Im dead inside.

THE EX funny. i thought it was close to being over. Then he comes back into my life and suddenly these weird emotions arise again within me that linger even days after we talk. I start doubting my choice to not be with him. He brings up the past, and i get flodded with memories of the hopes dreams and fears i had. I get flodded with emotions that even if i tried to controll itd never happen. So fear surges threw me relizing that what i thought was over isnt. Even if he just keeping me hanging on, the other side of the feild doesnt feel that way. In my heart i know i love him and i will probaly always love him. In my heart i know that should i leave my fiancee for him itd be a diasaster. I know its the wrong choice. Yet even as my fiancee lingers on my skin hes not the one that makes me light up on the phone when i talk to him and get butterflies so severe that i actually feel like vomiting. THE FIANCEE Yes. Its funny how one word can change everything. He asked "will you marry me?" my answer was yes, and just like that suddenly the relationship takes a dive into grown up terriorty. And d ont get me wrong. im not scared in the least. I do want to marry him, and i honestly believe that im going to have his children. Its something ive felt in the pit of my stomach scince i first laid eyes on him. I knew he was the one that i would have a future with. Call it intitution. I do love him. The problem is i dont love him like i loved my first, like i loved my ex. I think too much got taken away from me over the years and now im just working with peices of myself. Im not whole, and my fiancee has taken the challenge of damanged goods. He knows im broken, but he has no idea just how much i am. too make matters worse im pretty sure ive influenced his decsion to have children more then he would like to admitt. Everytime the topic comes up i see it in his face that hes becomming more and more open to the thought of having children right now. Hes sensiable, but when it comes to me, all sence goes out the window. I dont want to ruin his life. Before me it wasnt perfect, im afraid those peices im in are going to be his after im gone. the last thing in this entire world that i want is to hurt him. THE OVER ALL Life right now is anything but simple, calm and easy. Love life not included. Who im with will influence my furture at this very moment to degrees not even comprehensive. If i knew where i was going to be living in a year and i knew my job was stable enough, and i knew that everything was going well enough, it really wouldnt matter who i was with. On the one hand if i took my ex back i would either have to live with him or be homeless. There is probaly no hope of children anywhere in our future, and marriage is absoultly out of the question as far as hes concderned. Been there done that and hes not going back. If i stay with my fiancee, i have the possiblity of marriage and kids, and actually creating some kind of family. I wouldnt be homeless because after all should this move go threw he has already told me he is more then willing to leave this state. he cares about me more then i believe he does. from the begining i knew this was going to be hard. and it all comes down to me. it all comes down to what i choose. maybe the longing and pain of my ex will go away, leaving me healed, and moving on to give my fiancee everything he deserves and more. maybe there can be a happy ending to this story where no one hurts. But happy ending are only in the movies, and this... isnt a movie.

Things dont get easier when you grow up. It all only gets harder. Everything around me is failing, and no matter how bad i want to believe that its just "bad timing" or "fate" i know im the only one responsiable for the things around me. So whats the problem? I dont know what i want. I dont know where im going. I cant even breathe. Im traped under water thats iced over using the last bits of energy i have to find air again. All this thats happening is for a reason, if fate was real your the perfect example. The way you came into my life and the way things pan out with us. Its never felt more destined. But what does destiny have to do with my heart? My heart and my head always have an epic battle but this time it feels like a battle to end all others, Part of me knows its not going ot last forever, im not a "forever" type of person. Part of me screams that if i could just open myself and completely hand it over that i would find a love to blow all the others out of the water. the same part screams that you wont hurt me like all the others. And then theres this destiny thing. The way things have happened reeks a "ment to be" thing. i guess the only real mystery is not how you got there but why your here now. If i could just let go. If i could just move on. If i could just be friends. If....

oh my god. whats happening to me? what is this? i feel everything tugging in oppisite directions. im nervous, i have these butterfly things in my stomach, my brain is suddenly poisioned by you. Im terrified, im shut down, and cold, but im beginging to feel the warmth that is you. I cant seem to figure out what i want to say to you, my words just get caught in my mouth. When your around i feel like spewing everything to you, but luckily my gaurds prevail. I dont know how much longer i can be strong though, I dont want to fall into that trap. That endless pit. Ive done it one too many times and i cant handle another. will you be my wakening or my end?

Ok. so ive gone and gotten myself in a relationship again. and the first thought was OMG what can i do to end this? wtf is wrong with me. i like him i do. and he's good for me. sweet... i mean what the hell is wrong with me?

get up - pee - get coffee - get food - watch tv - play on the computer - get ready for work - go to work - come home from work - eat - play on the computer - watch tv - fall asleep - start all over again. Theres got to be something out there. Something to make life worth living. Something to feel furfilled. SOMETHING. anything. i dont want want everything. i just want to be happy. When 90 years old i want to be able to tell my grand babies of something amazing that i have done, something worth talking about. But this - this is it. where is that adventure, the curoisty, the joy in my life. where did it go? did i ever have it? i want to believe that things will look up and my fun loving adveturious alter ego will one day be real but the truth is this, and only this: when i pass, old and gray, no one will know who i was or even care. Ill just be another body in the ground rotting away.