the one thing one person that makes me the happiest hurts me the most, wether conscience of it or not i dont know. i will not give them up but i can not feel like this. i cant be someone that is happy and this and that when i am not around him, and sometimes even worse when i am, but i have so much im holding on to for them and so much i wont let go. so much i dont ever want to let go. what do you do when your heart and head are in an all out battle? everyone says listen to your heart, but cant that guide you wrong? isnt your hear just anthor organ in your body conected to the brain anyway? how do you truely decifer these things. i mean shit.... i cant do this all my life, waiting on false dreams. does he even really love me? THE ONLY TIME HE IS ACTUALLY INTRESTED IN BEING ANYTHING MORE THEN FRIENDS OPENLY IS WHEN HE IS DRUNK, BUT BEING DRUNK AND HONEST ISNT ENOUGH. it can never be enough. everytime we were engaged it was a drunken proposal everytime we talked about an actuall future together it was anthor drunken conversation. i dont know if the alcohol makes us a happier couple, or desroys us. its like living a double life. by day we are friends, best friends, completely intune... by night we are drunken lovers, happily ever after, fairytale. mabe the whole problem is me. im trying to force things to be other then what they are. in that case i am stupid, and i just hurt myself. he doesnt relize, even when im drunk i will still seriously do everything we talk about becasue thats what i have always wanted him to say to me. look me in the eyes and tell me that i am perfect he loves me and wants to be with me the rest of his life, have a family, and all of it. its what i dream about. then i wake up, and fall hopelessly down. my dreams are crushed, and after a perfect night that is too much to take. i dont think he even remebers the things he says to me. that hurts the worst, when he wakes up and says, "i dont remeber anything from last night", exspecially when "last night" was the best night of my life. he could never know how much it actually hurts to have something so close, and yet unreachable.