well, today i finally got let outta the house. i went to church :) though, i couldnt focus on what was there in front of me. meh mind kept driftin off (that may be partly why i havnt really had a great relationship with God lately..). i kept thinkin of martin, and why i havnt been able to talk to him. or see him..and i day dreamed about him (as usual). and i thought bout all the stupid things ive done. and how bad they were, and wondered why people still wanna talk to me. i dont mean to hurt people, i really dont. but when i hurt them, it hurts me too (it really does..). i saw zach, and he asked me if im feelin better. i said yesh. though, ive felt fine the whole time. jus no one would let me leave the house (even though they dont seem like they even want me around...they'd rather keep me locked up). and i talked to jeana (tim's wife) and jacob (tim & jeana's son). they asked me if im feelin better.. meh dad was talkin bout goin ta see travis and them. but they decided not to go cuz im "sick". and they think i'll get worse. but when yer on medication..how can u get worse if ish supposed to work? :P tonight i do get to go to youth group. we're gonna go early to hang out with bailey. :) and whoever else that'll be there :) fer now im gonna stay here...at home...and be lonely...till i eventually die. yay :) speaken of dying...even if i do get sicker, the worse that could happen ish i could die. but thats not actually that bad. .....