people keep sayin if ya write out how you feel, it'll make you feel better...so, i think i'll try it.. i feel alone. and i feel like reality is a dream. and my dreams seem more like reality. im worried. about everythin. about what hasnt happend, but is possible. like, what if i meet martin, and i dont like (or love) him like i do now? dont get me wrong, i mean, yea, i could still like (love) him like i do now (who couldnt? :P). but its jus that thought. i keep waitin fer him to come online, or send me email, or somethin. somethin to take the doubts away fer atleast a little while. and if i dont get a job, then wont be able to see him later (which totaly sucks). i dunno what he would wanna do when i get there (hopefully lotsa fun stuff ^_^). i dont feel accepted by anyone. not my friends. not my family. and i HATE not bein trusted (grandma, mom, dad, aunts). i didnt really do anythin to make them not trust me. i mean, im gonna be 18 in like less than 6 months. what are they all gonna do then? im already lookin fer a house (found some cool ones too). plus, zacks mom and dad said me, aimee, and zack could rent their house when they move out ^_^ but if they dont move by the time im 18, i'll get an apartment or somethin until they do. and i always have that fear that everyone i know and love (love = everyone) could leave me at anytime and i'd be left alone to face life. and i cant do that on my own...well..i guess i could...but it'd be hard.. and i still keep havin these really bad feelings. they wont go away (everyone asks "about what?" but i dunno the answer, its jus there). the feeling is hard to describe. the closest feeling that resembles it, is, ya know when somethin bad is happening? and that feeling you get? kinda like a tingling feeling throughout yer body. and worry. lots of worry. and that scaredness ya have. thats kinda like how it is. and i still keep gettin my panick/anxiety attacks. they're so bad though. last week, i couldnt even walk, it was so bad. i jus laid down, and i couldnt move. but no one knows how it feels. they keep sayint hey do. but until they've experienced it, they dont know (sorry, but its true). and the things i used to love doin, dont really appeal to me anymore. like goin online. now i jus do it, cuz its there. before it was like, i coudlnt stand to be away from the computer. but now... ;_; and now all i really wanna do is walk. everywhere. i always feel fat, and ugly (yes. i am). and no one can change that.. yea, im worthless. im a failure at whatever i do (even my mom thinks so. heck, she thinks im the "bad" child). i cant even get a job at a stupid ice cream place. i cant seem to get one anywhere. and its drivin me insane @_@ i i dont know what i *really* wanna do with the rest of my life (except, be with martin <3). i think i wanna be a hair stylest person. i could take my GED thing, so i can get outta high school, and then go to college. the fast i do it, the faster i can get on with my so called life... but fer right now, i wanna work at the carlton hotel comin in u here (openin in i think a month or so). either that or at the deli downt he street (ok, so its clear across town. whats the difference? :P) or at carrow's. i havnt turned in that application yet... i dunno. but life is goin by pretty quick. and i need to get movin before i prove everyone (and myself) right, and really be a failure...