how wrong is it to want to fight? to crave the attention and affection i get after ive been emotionally crushed? how wrong, bad, needy, selfish, neurotic is it? yesterday he was going to break up with me, but he didnt want me to leave his house because he was sure id commit suicide. it's absolutely fucking crazy how close i was to losing the only one who can keep me sane. and im not even fully sane. i don't know what to do about this. i need to talk to someone about my self-hatred, inflicted pain, conscious criticism. i dont know where to go, who to turn to. i think i'll make a point of finding a counselor at dawson when school starts. i'm not at all excited for starting school. i feel confused about my future, it seems like nothing is ever going to work out. i'm not going to see marilyn manson because i'm broke. even though ive been working out regularly i feel no progress because i'm a fucking pig. i saw hairspray with my mom tonight. it was super fantastic. i'm almost finished reading invisible monsters, i practically hated it at first, but now i really like it. but it's just not as good as choke or fight club. because those were the first books by chuck ive read i think i keep dissappointing myself by reading all his other books. but it was cool to meet him.