omg I absolutely LOVE pit!!!! I love the drama people but I'm glad to be under the discretion of O rather than Nelson or V *shudder* and I love my baby and my baby's godmother Diana, and making chipmunk faces with Kat, and the front row seats for anything happening onstage, and bonding with everybody, and everything. Today we all went out for a bow, just a bunch of random people, even the props kids, and it was sooo cool, and then Vin was after the props kids so me n Jen Arbige were all trying to smuggle them into the band hallway and stuff and we were all in black except for Jen (if we'd been caught I woulda got busted too hahaha) so we were pressed up against the wall and the rest of the pit and their significant others walked past and they all pretended not to see us cuz we're not cool enough and then Joe looked at me like "OK..." hahaha it was soo cool... Unfortunately since I went to Crystal last night I cant go to any of the cast parties :_( but oh well. I'll get over it. Crystal was funnn times... Like Kat's favorite: "Oh, we have to turn little shrimpy back to the wild!" And playing telephone: "Kat's got crabs!" "Clara gave them to her?!" "No they both got it from Ben." "No it was Kristina." "WHY DID I NOT KNOW ABOUT THIS?!" hahahahaha. funnn funnn funnn times. And hanging out with Alice on the couch and stuff. lol. Well today I went to Hubby's and saw Titanic for the first time (shut up I know I was deprived! lol) and it was suchhh a good movie, though really really realllly sad, and I got sooo into it, petting the cat into oblivion-I had to use duct tape to get the fur off me afterwards-but barely realizing it lol... And it was a beautiful day and when I was walking home I was thinking about stuff, like real live questioning philosophy... so if you're into that kind of stuff keep reading, and if you're depressed it might not be such a good idea. lol. (I wrote this earlier and I'm just copying it, and editing along the way, and that's why it sounds planned out in that ADD kind of way that I tend to have, haha. and these questions are rhetorical but feel free to comment. You'll prolly get bored by the end anyways lol, I'm a Titanic buff and into this stuff.) If I had been on the Titanic who would I have wanted to be? And who WOULD I have been? Because sadly I'm beginning to see that a lot of the time they aren't the same thing, and life is becoming more and more complicated. *sigh* You shouldn't change for others... but you shouldn't not change... so how do you know? And you should be strong and loyal to yourself but how do you know when to abandon yourself for somebody else? And how do you know what's actually right, and how do you know ANYTHING is right, and how do you do what's right all the time without being too good or boring, and is that even possible? But. If I were on the Titanic I like to think I'd have been a musician, playing to the death, the very end, and not even trying to save myself but to create some kind of soothing order in the panic around me. But I might have been one of the women and children who got on the boats knowing they'd never see their brother or husband or lover again, but wanting to live, even though they know it would be more than difficult to live without whoever they were leaving on the doomed deck. Would I be more like first leiutenant Mr. Murdoch, who shot himself rather than getting in a boat or freezing? Or one of the crew, having in my hands peoples lives and sanity, as well as my own, and knowing I would probably die and barely able to do anything for the 1500 who would die, and caring? You can't tell if they cared or not. What would I have done as Mr. Andrews, feeling at fault for the whole thing and not even trying to live because I felt as though my life was over anyway? Would I have been the captain, silently dying with my last ship? Or the Astors who died together, their last hours spent with the one they loved most, not trying to be saved, knowing that with the ship their life sank to the bottom of the North Atlantic (in more ways than one)? What about Mr. Ismay, there for the fame the fast, "invincible" ship would bring him, and taking responsibility for it and therefore the people on it until it came to his life, when he abandoned that responsibility and get on a boat when he knows very well he should have stayed to the last, and living with that guilt for the rest of his life? Any of the survivors must have felt that they were responsible for one other person's death, right... Would I be like one of the lifeboat captains who refused to go back, or one that went back too late only to find most of the passengers frozen dead? One of those crushed by the sinking ship, dragged down with it, drowned or frozen? One of the men who got on a boat when only women and children were supposed to have, one of the men who paid or cheated their way onto a boat, not caring for anyone but their own stereotypically cowardly existence? One of the third class passengers who'd come on the boat heading for a new and better life and solidly watches it come to an end? One of the mothers who calmly put their children to bed for the last time, a father trying to save his children and failing, knowing or not knowing? Would I be like one of the men who died "like true gentlemen," not trying to save themselves or anyone else, just sitting calmly having one last cigar, one last brandy? Would I sacrifice myself to save someone else, or pass them, screaming and crying, on by, would I hold on in time of near-death or would I give up, think it was over? In times like that is it better to watch out for your own life or more important to make sure as many people as possible, or people I love, get out, even knowing chances are slim that you'll get out yourself? What does it mean to value life? And fading to a slightly different note, or era or whathaveyou, if you come to the point where They want to put you on life support, do you vote to die soon and naturally for the waste of life it would be to be a machine, or do you go on plugged in hoping to come back? Is it worth it? And how do you know? And how do you distinguish between fearing death and loving life, in a TRUE life-or-death situation? Esp. when a quick decision needs to be made. And if it came to it, would I kill to save my life, like in a fight? I like to think not, but, never having been faced with that situation I can't be sure. Can I be sure about anything? And is there a way to be unsure without being shaky and insecure? I'm digging myself deeper and deeper here, I really shouldn't dwell on stuff like this haha... But it's an extraordinary and thought-provoking topic, in a kind of dark way... How can I think about the Titanic and death and whathaveyou without underestimating and not understanding... it's impossible to know, but how far can you go before it's TOO far? You'd think I'd have gotten smart and not dwell on stuff haha. Surrre. I'm not depressed though. Fortunately. I hope I don't like, scar anybody for life or anything. Or a night maybe. And I kinda placed my frustration, which is based a lot on not having words (or courage?) to express things and so I'm not gonna go into it in detail or I'd get in over my head and under my vocabularial capacity, but... I KNOW there's love but a lot of the time I don't feel like other people know, and I don't know how to share it. OK gotta go the family is being clingy hahahaa. you're probably rejoicing right. yeah. byee..